Thursday, December 25, 2014

A Christmas to Forget. Soldiering Onward.

I just completed a long hike through the neighborhood streets, it is just after midnight, officially the 26th of December, so Christmas is finally over.

Even though the holidays have become such a difficult time for me, I support and encourage everyone I know to embrace the magic of them.  I remember how amazing it was to immerse in the season, feel the joy, the magic and spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family, including a traditional dinner that always saw both family and friends seated around the dining room table.

Even though my heart was already aching this morning, I got on Facebook today and put forth a heartfelt wish for everyone, as this is an incredible and wonderful holiday.

At the same time, things are as they are, and I am in the midst of a trial that has been more difficult and hard-hitting than virtually any other time in my life other than the passing of an immediate family member.  I do everything I can to pick myself up and move forward, I put everything I've got into it, and still the blows keep coming.

Today I spent Christmas entirely alone, literally.  I did not interact face to face with a single living person today.  Computers, mobile phones and the like have their place, but I'm not wired in a way where that can replace what I used to know.

My sister received an invitation to a co-worker's house to join their family for dinner and I encouraged her to go, so that she could at least be around joyful faces and have a nice dinner and get a little feel of the holidays even though I know the holidays are very tough for her as well.

On my end, this day was a real agony to go through.  It was made especially tough as not so long ago I thought I had a real chance to see the full magic of the season come back.

I did what I could.  I had my longest format workout at a high intensity, I played guitar, and I went for a long night hike, but that can only keep you distracted so much.

Today really hurt deeply and I know that I'm going to struggle with this in the days to come, on top of everything else.  I've felt for a while that I don't have a place to call home. I'm not talking about a place where you pay rent or a mortgage to sleep at night. I'm speaking in the real sense of the word.  Never before has the sense of not having a place to call home hit harder than today, enduring the hours by myself that seemed to crawl by so slowly.

The truth is you can only take so much and right now I just wonder when something truly good is going to happen, or even if anything good will ever happen. I've fought hard through this storm, believe me.  I intend to keep fighting with every shred of energy I can muster.  I'm just very tired, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of being hurt and I'm tired of every day being a battle and having to pick myself up again and again.  Even a little balance would be welcome.

Christmas this year was a true nightmare, in stark contrast to the days filled with wonder and joy that I used to know.  Truly, if the Christmas seasons ahead are all going to be like this, I'd rather not see another one.   Nevertheless, despite how I feel, I'll call upon my willpower and  I'll keep moving forward.  Just wish the storm would end and I'd love to see the sun again.  It's been so very long.

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