This has definitely been an introspective week. We got a rather big snowstorm last weekend here in Lexington and that was followed up by a rather bad sinus infection/flu kind of thing that had me pretty home-bound much of this week.
It drove home a lot of things. A lot of difficult things that aren't that easy to talk about. This was a very lonely week and one that was in great contrast to a situation I was in at this time last year. It involves so much that I don't understand.
I know, and have shown, that I am generous, kind-hearted, willing to go the extra-mile to show my appreciation, and have a true romantic streak toward, those I'd hoped to become my partners in crime on life's road. It has astounded me more than once to see what paths have been chosen by others. Obviously, I cannot go into detail in a public forum like this, but suffice it to say I have seen some really mind-boggling choices transpire.
I know I could be a great father or a great male figure, or even a great step-dad kind of person for kids. A solid role model, a good example, someone that is supportive and guiding and caring. I don't see a whole hell of a lot of that out there anymore, so I always figured that would be an asset. Apparently not, but it's something I desire to be, in a way that I can only describe like a calling. I know what my own parents were to me and that is something I would like to be for some kids in a very big way, whether they are mine in a biological sense, aren't, or perhaps both. I know without question, if I did have both in my world (biological and non-biological) I would never treat the two any differently.
I'm sorry to say, but the bad guy is very, very rarely going to change. As in extremely rarely. A woman is not going to "fix" that person, or change them. They will be doing the same things month in and month out, year in and year out, that they did before. Leopards don't change their spots.
I'll never understand the pull that some truly loathsome guys have had on women (and I mean loathsome, as in the beater, the cheater, and the substance abuser). Worse, I've seen, very often, women go from bad guy to bad guy as if there will be a different outcome from making the same kind of choice each time. It's frustrating, and something I've often had to keep my silence on, but I can talk about it in a general sense here.
A guy that cares is not necessarily going to move as fast as a bad guy. But that's because he genuinely respects, and wants to show respect, for the woman he hopes to become his partner.
Never think the good guy cannot be as spontaneous, or fun-loving as the bad guy. The good guy is just going to make sure the context is in the right place, and that everything about a given situation is given appreciation and respect. If the woman is patient, she will discover that there are layers, depths, and horizons to the truly caring guy that the bad guy cannot hope to reach. The caring guy will be able to take a woman to some incredible levels of experience.
Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. I firmly have felt, for a long time, that I can bring the best of both worlds. I am family-oriented and have a solid grounding. I am loyal, and do not have any of the big red flag issues like violence, substance abuse or cheating problems. I am also very fun-loving, creative, spontaneous, adventurous, and willing to go the extra mile to make a relationship a wonderful and exciting one.
I have no idea why I am in a place where I spent the last week alone, when I am in a place where I have so much to offer and give, and continuously watch others settle for so very little and often things that are of great harm. It's an area that is vexing and frustrating.
I hear a lot of women posting and talking about there not being any good guys left. There are, most definitely, but a woman has to make the choice to have one in their world to make that happen, and truly reject the bad guys so prevalent out there.
I know what I offer and I'll carry on. But it isn't easy.
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4 comments:
Relationships and finding that right person is really a tough thing. I hear you with the bad choices and 'fixing' and such.
One aspect I realize from my life and marriage, is that as difficult as it can be to be a single individual--yes, there is the 'freedom' and 'lack of responsibility' that can be associated with it, but also the 'isolation' and 'lack of the forming bond' between two people. Anyway, it tells me just how difficult it would be to be a single parent...no one to lean on, count on, be supported by and collaborate with, no one to 'tag out' with for an hour or so on the days when the kid is sick, or you're sick or whatever.
Hang in there! Keep your eyes open.
@Terry thank you for the reply and the encouragement. this area of my life has been a mind-boggling odyssey that I rarely seem to have any answers for. The blog helps me get it out just a little and I always know that sharing helps others who may be going through similar messes. I am doing my best to hang in there and keep my eyes open. :)
I have some answers.
Many women don't think we deserve better than the abuser or the druggie. We tend to have a lot of contempt for men who treat us well, because they are gullible and easily fooled by our surface. Men who love us are completely stupid, and can't see beyond the tips of their noses.
There's always the option of actively hunting: lay out exactly what you're looking for, figure out where a person like that might be found and start frequenting it.
I wanted a genius and someone taller than me, with a sense of humor and a taste for geekery. I went to an engineering school, where the median IQ was mine, and focused on the boys whose looks I liked. Married 26 years.
You can absolutely choose who to fall in love with. Love grows through time spent. You can be attracted to 97 people, but it's the one you spend the time with that you're going to love.
As for the rest, good luck. Remember, love is a heavy obligation, and carries a lot of responsibility. It's work.
@Angelia thank you for the comments and reply. And yes, I DO Know it's work. I think that's what sets me apart from a LOT of guys. Because I'm willing to do the work and put in the commitment. That's been the baffling part of a lot of my experiences.
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