This has definitely been an introspective week. We got a rather big snowstorm last weekend here in Lexington and that was followed up by a rather bad sinus infection/flu kind of thing that had me pretty home-bound much of this week.
It drove home a lot of things. A lot of difficult things that aren't that easy to talk about. This was a very lonely week and one that was in great contrast to a situation I was in at this time last year. It involves so much that I don't understand.
I know, and have shown, that I am generous, kind-hearted, willing to go the extra-mile to show my appreciation, and have a true romantic streak toward, those I'd hoped to become my partners in crime on life's road. It has astounded me more than once to see what paths have been chosen by others. Obviously, I cannot go into detail in a public forum like this, but suffice it to say I have seen some really mind-boggling choices transpire.
I know I could be a great father or a great male figure, or even a great step-dad kind of person for kids. A solid role model, a good example, someone that is supportive and guiding and caring. I don't see a whole hell of a lot of that out there anymore, so I always figured that would be an asset. Apparently not, but it's something I desire to be, in a way that I can only describe like a calling. I know what my own parents were to me and that is something I would like to be for some kids in a very big way, whether they are mine in a biological sense, aren't, or perhaps both. I know without question, if I did have both in my world (biological and non-biological) I would never treat the two any differently.
I'm sorry to say, but the bad guy is very, very rarely going to change. As in extremely rarely. A woman is not going to "fix" that person, or change them. They will be doing the same things month in and month out, year in and year out, that they did before. Leopards don't change their spots.
I'll never understand the pull that some truly loathsome guys have had on women (and I mean loathsome, as in the beater, the cheater, and the substance abuser). Worse, I've seen, very often, women go from bad guy to bad guy as if there will be a different outcome from making the same kind of choice each time. It's frustrating, and something I've often had to keep my silence on, but I can talk about it in a general sense here.
A guy that cares is not necessarily going to move as fast as a bad guy. But that's because he genuinely respects, and wants to show respect, for the woman he hopes to become his partner.
Never think the good guy cannot be as spontaneous, or fun-loving as the bad guy. The good guy is just going to make sure the context is in the right place, and that everything about a given situation is given appreciation and respect. If the woman is patient, she will discover that there are layers, depths, and horizons to the truly caring guy that the bad guy cannot hope to reach. The caring guy will be able to take a woman to some incredible levels of experience.
Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. I firmly have felt, for a long time, that I can bring the best of both worlds. I am family-oriented and have a solid grounding. I am loyal, and do not have any of the big red flag issues like violence, substance abuse or cheating problems. I am also very fun-loving, creative, spontaneous, adventurous, and willing to go the extra mile to make a relationship a wonderful and exciting one.
I have no idea why I am in a place where I spent the last week alone, when I am in a place where I have so much to offer and give, and continuously watch others settle for so very little and often things that are of great harm. It's an area that is vexing and frustrating.
I hear a lot of women posting and talking about there not being any good guys left. There are, most definitely, but a woman has to make the choice to have one in their world to make that happen, and truly reject the bad guys so prevalent out there.
I know what I offer and I'll carry on. But it isn't easy.