What do you do, when it took all that you have to scrape together and pick the pieces up to move forward in 2014 and a storm you never saw coming breaks right over you? The kind of storm that wipes away all the things you'd struggled to regain in the year?
I don't really have the answers for that.
I had hoped with all my heart to get back to blogging here, with news of an upswing year, a year that finally brought some sunshine after several years in shadow filled with all kinds of struggles, strife, and watching my own family get whittled down one by one until it is just me and my sister left. Almost 8 years running with cloud-filled skies.
Again and again, I picked myself up and moved forward, hoping that the clouds would break and the sun would come through. I can't begin to describe how much harder that got each time, only those who have been hit with a cascade of heartache/sorrow can understand what I'm talking about here. Sometimes, people really do get more than they are able to handle.
The worst of it is that for a time, it truly, really did look like the answer to a deep prayer had come and I finally got the miracle I've always sought. The situation is one that I have to leave largely private, and please respect that, but it is still something I have to find a way to work through. But suffice it to say that I saw a world of sunshine just ahead, at last, and also made some profound discoveries about myself that both surprised me and brought me the hope of even more joy. What I wanted was irrefutably a wonderful, good thing, it was right, and it was what I truly needed.
Then one cold day in September, everything was shattered, in a way that was unfair, ugly, and wrong. But that's how life goes for some of us. I find myself falling, stumbling, and entirely unable to get myself righted. I'm not defeated, I'm still here, still trying, still doing everything I can to move forward. But truly, everything has reduced to a day to day battle, one where I cannot see even a day ahead.
It has been a very lonely time. When you go through these kinds of things, most folks that you know pull back, and even people I talked to daily have vanished into the winds. At this time, only one person has been in touch daily, a friend that I think truly understands this kind of time and how hard it is. So for the most part I've been left with the uphill climb of trying to find a way to regroup by myself. Not the easiest thing in the world when the only people you see in person from day to day are mostly store clerks and the like.
It is a very serious time, the kind of thing where you look at your very foundations, where you wonder why you do what you do, and even whether you want to continue doing it. A time like this shakes your faith, your confidence, and everything about you.
I know I cannot return to the status quo. The thought alone brings great distress. Something has to give, has to change. But I just don't really know what.
And there is where I am.
I have had music with me all throughout this time, with some songs capturing what it is like, and others bolstering.
For now, I'll put one of the ones that really nails what it is like. Lacuna Coil's One Cold Day from Broken Crown Halo. These lyrics really get it right. It's been a long, cold day.
" Sometimes the sun shines cold
The road is lonely as I walk alone
In the sky the clouds are racing fast
It's becoming so cold outside
Time has come, time has come
And the clouds gather above me
And the clouds gather above me
As I stand in the rain of this cold day
Tears are the words when I cannot confess the pain
Time will heal
But I don't want to feel
Sometimes it's hard to let go
It's hard to move along the scars of life
Memories are blooming in the gloom
As I'm feeling so cold inside"