In a writing sense, I hit the ground running in 2019 with a central focus on the 4th installment of my Fires in Eden Series.
It has been some time now since Spirit of Fire (the 3rd book in the Fires in Eden series) was released. That book, and The Undying Light (Book 4 of the Rising Dawn Saga) marked a time where I had a tremendous amount of output, content-wise, as a writer. During the first few years after my first published novel The Exodus Gate was released (winter of 2009), I was able to get two larger novels out a year in addition to some short stories (alternating releases between the Fires in Eden Series and Rising Dawn Saga).
As always, I never handed in anything to an editor until I had the manuscript where I wanted it. It was just a matter of being in a great groove, being able to sustain long writing sessions that were very productive, and keep on a steady pace.
Following the cancer diagnosis and passing of my mother in 2013, a time that affected me tremendously, I still continued to write and have new material published, but I leaned more heavily toward shorter formats, with a lot of short stories and smaller scale novels such as Heart of a Lion and Thunder Horizon. I didn't have the same volume of output overall as my earlier period until 2018, when I hit a great stride with the writing of the Rayden Valkyrie and Ragnar Stormbringer novellas.
Overall, 2018 (up to January 1, 2019) saw the release of eight novellas, two print compendiums, and a larger-scale novel. To summarize the year:
The Rayden Valkyrie Tales, Volume I (Print-only compendium, contains Blood of a Queen, Winds of War, and the Sun's Caress)
Ragnar Stormbringer Tales
Depths of Night
When the Cold Breathes
Altar of Gods
Tears in the Snow
The Ragnar Stormbringer Tales, Volume I (Print-only compendium, contains Depths of Night, When the Cold Breathes, and Altar of Gods)
Dream of the Navigator, Book One of the Faraway Saga.
Having regained the kind of writing rhythm I had years ago, I began 2019 in a full throttle mode and have about 70,000 words of material so far for the 4th Fires in Eden novel. I have also been pouring through notes, making notes, and doing research for this book and others that I am aiming to work on this year.
I think 2018 got me back into a great frame of mind for advancing both the Fires in Eden series and the Rising Dawn Saga. I think part of the delay that occurred between 2013 and now was due to the fact that both series were developed and the first few installments of each were written when my mother, and father, were alive. They were the first to read my earliest versions and both of them supported my path as a writer. As such, they were a big part of my journey as an author in relation to these books.
I was somehow able to maintain my ideal writing zone after my father passed in 2006, but after my mother passed I think that a shadow was cast over these two series in a creative sense, the more I look back at it. (Thankfully, that creative shadow has finally passed)
Currently, and it may sound crazy, I am aiming to work on the following:
Book 4 of the Fires in Eden Series Book 5 of the Rising Dawn Saga Book 3 (the final installment) of the Dark Sun Dawn Trilogy Book 2 of the Faraway Saga
In addition, I will be getting some more Rayden and Ragnar tales out there, and look to complete some more short stories that may result in anything from a Hellscapes, Volume 3 to a Chronicles of Ave, Volume 2, to an Annals of the Rising Dawn, Volume 1.
No promises on those new short story collections being released, as they depend on getting a little extra time here and there, but I think there's a good shot that at least one of those can happen.
I have a real strong vision of the direction I need to go with the projected novels above, and barring any "life happens" kind of issues I think I can get most all, if not all, of my target list completed this year. Yes, it sounds ambitious, but I am back to a higher volume of writing output and in a really good zone. I am achieving longer writing sessions with a high level of productivity and keeping to a steady course.
Keep your fingers crossed! 2019 may see my best level of output yet! I want to give my readers a lot to look forward to and reward them for their loyalty and support, so I will be giving it my all. :)
thank you for subscribing to my email list and keep your eyes out for much more to come!
I have a personal Patreon page now, as do so many independent artists and creatives in today's world. It is a platform through which anyone in the public can choose to become a patron of an artist, musician, writer, filmmaker, or a company engaged in those kinds of activities.
For myself, this is something that can be of tremendous help in advancing and growing in my content creation and activities.
At the moment, in addition to being a writer, I am also developing a TV show, co-hosting a weekly podcast, co-hosting a weekly V-log, engaging in weekly blogging, hosting original content on my own YouTube channel weekly, while also tending to all the tasks involved in running a press (Seventh Star Press) and convention (Imaginarium Convention).
The workload is seven days a week, with most days being long, whether twelve hours, fourteen, or even more (and sometimes overnight). It doesn't come with any guarantees. No benefits of any sort, like healthcare or paid vacation or sick days. When I'm dealing with an illness, I have to still meet deadlines and make things work on a regular basis.
I'm not complaining. This is what I do. I love the areas of activity I am involved in and have always maintained I'll work 80 hours a week at something I like versus 30 in something I have no interest or passion for.
At this stage of my journey, I have seen that the work I do does help and benefit a great many others, in many ways.
Seventh Star Press has enabled a great many authors to have their work published, with quality presentations that involve great care in regard to cover art and layouts. It has also provided lots of opportunities for editors and artists, and serviced many thousands of readers with quality content.
The Imaginarium Convention has delivered a wealth of opportunities in learning, networking and empowerment to all kinds of independent creatives, whether authors, editors, publishers, filmmakers and artists.
The Vlogs, blogs and podcasts all serve to regularly provide insights, education, and inspiration to all kinds of independent creatives on their own paths.
My own creative work, whether in writing or filmmaking, strives to encourage and inspire, with affirmations of positive values and outlooks in the protagonists I embrace. The Rayden Valkyrie character is a prime example of this, and I have gotten many messages from readers who have been inspired and encouraged in the ways I had hoped to see.
Ultimately, it is up to others to recognize the value in what someone does, but I believe strongly in the work that I do, what is has been for others, and what it can be for many more.
The realities are that the landscape for creatives is unpredictable and constantly shifting. It is a very difficult road to travel. The book publishing world alone sees regular, profound changes in the way books are marketed and sold, and these changes are rarely, if ever, truly helpful to smaller press and independent writers. Similarly, ad revenue streams on things like Google Ads or YouTube monetization sees sudden and unhelpful changes, such as the famous "adpocalypse" last fall.
A little help is needed and this is where a group of Patrons can make a huge difference.
Having a little more surety in what I can look to each month can enable me to develop even stronger content and participate in more activities like workshops and events. I can upgrade the equipment I use regularly, take advantage of more marketing opportunities to raise awareness of my work and all the things I am involved in. From growth to production value, Patrons would help me develop and keep improving in all my spheres of activity.
I can assure potential Patrons that the result will be increased content with stronger presentation, which will, in turn, benefit a much greater number of independent creatives. There is a real synergy that can happen with a solid base of support at Patreon. I look forward to engaging regularly with my Patrons, no matter what level each chooses to participate at.
If you are interested in supporting my work in any area, whether my writing, my broadcasting/Vlogging, my filmmaking, blogging, or the work I do for Seventh Star Press and the Imaginarium Convention, please consider becoming one of my Patrons.
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. It means a lot to me. more than you might realize.
You can visit my Patreon page at the link below to learn more:
This past week on The Creative's Cauldron, in our latest episode, Holly and I explored how today's independent creative is a "renaissance person", in terms of being active in different spheres of creativity.
I relate to that dynamic myself in the areas of writing, filmmaking, music, martial arts, and broadcasting. I've found that engaging in multiple areas of creative activity, I bring myself lots of experiences and new perspectives that expand my horizons in each of the various spheres.
My adventures in filmmaking, training in martial arts, exploring music, and broadcasting both in radio and visually have helped me grow further as a writer, for example. Every sphere of activity involves different experiences, disciplines, interactions, and so much more, which all lend to growing the pool of ideas, knowledge, and references that I draw from when engaging in a writing project. This results in more realism, better-developed characters, and many other things that help me develop my writing further.
The different spheres also serve to inspire, in their own way. They involve different kinds of goals and milestones, the development of different skill sets, and each of these paths brings different kinds of inspiration. This is not a small area of contribution, as it is incredibly difficult to pursue the independent creative road and inspiration can make all the difference in the world when enduring some of the tougher stretches of the indie road.
The multiple spheres of activity also introduce me to new audiences, who in turn discover the other things that I do. Reading audiences become aware of my independent film work, fans of independent film become aware of my novels, and all kinds of other examples of cross-pollination derive from my activity in several areas.
It really is a good thing that today's climate for independent creatives fosters an openness to being active in different kinds of artistic expressions and pursuits. It has both practical and creative benefits, and I also think it helps contribute to attaining a more well-rounded approach to living life.
It's been a very active week working with all the spheres of activity that Seventh Star Press is involved in. I've had a little extra burden as I've been going through lots of tutorials as I get back up to speed on Adobe Premiere Pro cc 2018, since I'm doing all the post-production on The Creative's Cauldron and other YouTube activities we will have going on.
On that note, I just started a new series of videos on my own channel called Tip Trifecta. Each video is designed to be a short-format presentation, no more than about 2 1/2 minutes in length, featuring 3 tips or insights relating to a topic relevant to creatives of today.
Sometimes the topic will be something close in relation to the theme explored in a given week on The Creative's Cauldron, as all of those topics involve things near and dear to both myself and Holly. Sometimes it may be another topic, though no less near and dear.
I hope these are helpful to creatives of all kinds, if only to suggest some things to think about while journeying along the creative path.
The first one I did gives three reasons why creatives should avoid being overly influenced or consumed by trends. These reasons come from observations I've had over years of experience in multiple creative areas, so I am confident they are well-founded.
I am always learning new things myself as I travel my own road, but I always want to share what I've gleaned along the way so that others can avoid some of the snares and pitfalls out there. It is tough enough being an independent creative!
Here's the first Tip Trifecta for you to check out! Leave a comment here and let me know what you think, and if you enjoy it go over to my YouTube Channel and subscribe!
It has been a little while since I have co-hosted a show, as the Star Chamber Show was on hiatus for a few months, but this week I am definitely diving into the deep end of the pool in that area.
Wednesday night marks the return of The Star Chamber Show, and Friday marks the debut of a new YouTube show called The Creative's Cauldron.
The Star Chamber Show has already had 87 episodes and featured a great range of writers and other independent creatives. The show has been on hiatus for a little while, but all of the co-hosts are rarin' to go to bring the show back better than ever.
The range of guests will expand, and the show won't necessarily have a designated guest every week. It will be a show about the independent creative world, especially as it regards the realms of books, movies, art, and gaming. There will be guests, of course, and the types of guests will be expanding, but the show will be expanding beyond the interview-style format that was central in the first 87 episodes.
Friday marks the debut of The Creative's Cauldron, a new YouTube show that Holly Phillippe and I are developing and co-hosting that will focus on the world of indie creatives. We work as independent creatives each and every day, and there are a lot of folks out there who really don't know what working in this area involves and what it is really like.
The show will be a rather raw and candid look at our daily lives running a small press, a convention, blogging, podcasting, developing a TV show, and everything else we are involved with (along with my own path as a writer myself.) I think viewers will find the show funny and entertaining much of the time, but they will also get a good sense of how tough it is to pursue one's dreams in areas that are very hard to make a living within.
I think it will be great to do a show with Holly (and she's going to be one of the co-hosts on The Star Chamber Show going forward as well) as we do have a great dynamic when working together, and with our distinctly different styles/personalities, I think we will make it entertaining to watch!
I haven't posted here in a little while, as my friend Jorie (writer and reviewer/book blogger at Jorie Loves a Story) reminded me of. Time slipped by fast over the holidays as I was engaged in a moving project, and moving during the holiday season is a double-whammy for sure!
I got back on a good writing rhythm again, and recently finished the manuscript for the second Rayden Valkyrie novel. Tentatively titled Thunder Horizon, it is the followup to Heart of a Lion. I am confident that readers will find it to be a very exciting, action-filled read that builds strongly from everything set in place in the first novel.
I celebrated the finish of the book with a bottle of Blanton's, a wondrous bourbon made here in Kentucky that is a personal favorite of mine. The photo below was taken a few hours after finishing the manuscript.
The book has been sent to Scott M. Sandridge, the editor for the Dark Sun Dawn Trilogy. I am hoping to see it released later this spring.
Next on the writing horizon are two projects. One is a YA novel, cross-genre, that I'm very excited about. I'm probably about 2/3 finished on the manuscript and progressing daily.
Also up is the 4th installment in the Fires in Eden series. There's been a little time since Spirit of Fire was released, and I feel with how I've grown these past couple of years I'm in a good position to deliver the best title in this series yet. With many threads well-established in the story I have a lot to work with, but expect a fast-pace, intense read with a lot of development with the characters and plot.
On the movie front, we are preparing for the production of the TV Pilot Rayden Valkyrie: Saga of a Lionheart. From storyboarding, to costuming, casting, and other areas, a lot is going on right now and we're building a great group to bring this to life. Production will take place later this spring in Kentucky. Going to be an exciting one for sure!
All of this, in addition to my ongoing work for Seventh Star Press (including Imaginarium 2017) means a very busy year looms. I'll work to be better at posting updates here as well! :)
This has definitely been an introspective week. We got a rather big snowstorm last weekend here in Lexington and that was followed up by a rather bad sinus infection/flu kind of thing that had me pretty home-bound much of this week.
It drove home a lot of things. A lot of difficult things that aren't that easy to talk about. This was a very lonely week and one that was in great contrast to a situation I was in at this time last year. It involves so much that I don't understand.
I know, and have shown, that I am generous, kind-hearted, willing to go the extra-mile to show my appreciation, and have a true romantic streak toward, those I'd hoped to become my partners in crime on life's road. It has astounded me more than once to see what paths have been chosen by others. Obviously, I cannot go into detail in a public forum like this, but suffice it to say I have seen some really mind-boggling choices transpire.
I know I could be a great father or a great male figure, or even a great step-dad kind of person for kids. A solid role model, a good example, someone that is supportive and guiding and caring. I don't see a whole hell of a lot of that out there anymore, so I always figured that would be an asset. Apparently not, but it's something I desire to be, in a way that I can only describe like a calling. I know what my own parents were to me and that is something I would like to be for some kids in a very big way, whether they are mine in a biological sense, aren't, or perhaps both. I know without question, if I did have both in my world (biological and non-biological) I would never treat the two any differently.
I'm sorry to say, but the bad guy is very, very rarely going to change. As in extremely rarely. A woman is not going to "fix" that person, or change them. They will be doing the same things month in and month out, year in and year out, that they did before. Leopards don't change their spots.
I'll never understand the pull that some truly loathsome guys have had on women (and I mean loathsome, as in the beater, the cheater, and the substance abuser). Worse, I've seen, very often, women go from bad guy to bad guy as if there will be a different outcome from making the same kind of choice each time. It's frustrating, and something I've often had to keep my silence on, but I can talk about it in a general sense here.
A guy that cares is not necessarily going to move as fast as a bad guy. But that's because he genuinely respects, and wants to show respect, for the woman he hopes to become his partner.
Never think the good guy cannot be as spontaneous, or fun-loving as the bad guy. The good guy is just going to make sure the context is in the right place, and that everything about a given situation is given appreciation and respect. If the woman is patient, she will discover that there are layers, depths, and horizons to the truly caring guy that the bad guy cannot hope to reach. The caring guy will be able to take a woman to some incredible levels of experience.
Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. I firmly have felt, for a long time, that I can bring the best of both worlds. I am family-oriented and have a solid grounding. I am loyal, and do not have any of the big red flag issues like violence, substance abuse or cheating problems. I am also very fun-loving, creative, spontaneous, adventurous, and willing to go the extra mile to make a relationship a wonderful and exciting one.
I have no idea why I am in a place where I spent the last week alone, when I am in a place where I have so much to offer and give, and continuously watch others settle for so very little and often things that are of great harm. It's an area that is vexing and frustrating.
I hear a lot of women posting and talking about there not being any good guys left. There are, most definitely, but a woman has to make the choice to have one in their world to make that happen, and truly reject the bad guys so prevalent out there.
I know what I offer and I'll carry on. But it isn't easy.
I have often said that I have found myself in the role of the underdog since the beginning, and I've meant that in a very literal sense. Today, I wanted to share some things about my childhood that had a very significant impact upon my life, my development, my outlook, and in many ways who I am today.
At the age of two, I endured a traumatic head injury. Court cases later involving myself and several other children who were seriously hurt brought to light that this was the result of a violent and abusive daycare worker.
The back of my skull was crushed and I was rushed to an emergency surgery. I was told by my folks later that I nearly died that day. The back of my skull was essentially shattered to the point that even part of the brain was exposed. Following a very extensive surgery and craniotomy, involving the use of a slew of tiny clamps, I made it through and even still could smile as the photo shows.
Of course, this was a hellish experience for my folks to go through and the beginning of a very long road. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for them.
At the age of two, because of the vulnerability of my skull, I had to begin sleeping in what was a small hockey helmet at night. I had to sleep in a helmet for a few years, in fact, as well as wear this helmet all throughout the day. Literally, except for when I had gentle washing and baths, I had to wear that thing 24 hours a day.
Obviously, being on the playground, or at pre-school and later, in a helmet tends to bring you a lot of unpleasant attention from other kids. The only good news was that I did not get beat up as even the bigger kids were savvy enough to realize that punching a hockey helmet would not benefit their hands very well. But I did get called names quite a bit, and even to the kids who were my friends I was a curiosity. I endured a lot of rapping knuckles like a door knock on my helmet and things like that.
It was a very difficult process to go through as I was very aware of the attention I attracted. I became very self-conscious and wondered what was wrong with me quite often. Thankfully, I did end up having some very good playmates who more or less stuck up for me out on the playground and elsewhere, and teachers tended to keep a good eye out for me.
I learned to live with it and did not shut down. The overwhelming amount of that credit goes to my folks who were absolutely amazing parents to have and who fought for me anytime any organizer had an issue about me participating in something while wearing a helmet.
They made sure I was in social activities with my peer group, supported my interests, and really were there to help me hold the line while I was struggling during that time as a three year old, four year old, five year old, and on up. They didn't shelter me or coddle me, they encouraged me to engage, to participate, and to do anything any of the other kids were doing.
The doctors overseeing my development determined that my head was more or less normalized except for one very small zone as I entered my first years of t-ball and small fry baseball (like little league). My mother's godfather, a wonderful man named Fritz Gassman, who we affectionately called Uncle Fritz, had an autobody shop and worked with materials like fiberglass. He took it upon himself, on his own initiative, to create a baseball cap that had snaps in the back, into which a curving fiberglass plate could be fitted.
At long last, I did not have to wear a helmet anymore, and was able to shift into a baseball cap. By that time I had been able to go to sleep at night without wearing headgear, so this enabled me to enter a much more normalized state of existence. Since I went to a school that required uniforms (Catholic school), being able to wear a ballcap actually became a cool accessory that some kids were jealous of!
By the time that I moved on to Babe Ruth League my head finally reached the point where I was able to go full time without protective headgear.
Nevertheless, the experience, looking back on it, had a profound effect on my lifetime. It instilled within me a sensitivity to those being bullied, and to anyone that had something that caused them to stand out a bit from the crowd. It gave me a special respect for anyone saddled with some kind of health or physical-related challenge. It gave me a passion for the underdog in any sphere of life.
I think in many ways, since I was singled out all the time because of that helmet, it caused me to think in terms of individuals and not groups. To this day, I view each person on an individual level and shun labels and categories in my personal relationships and interactions. Truly, if there ever was a lesson about the importance of tolerance, then this was a big one that I took forward with me across the years. I credit this in a big way for the fact that I have had wonderful friendships with individuals coming from all walks of life, no matter what culture, ethnicity, religion, level of education, sexual orientation, or any other area typically used to define groups.
It required me to be resilient, to believe in myself and that I could still walk tall even if I was being made fun or being stared at. I really did learn to march to my own drummer and be able to stand alone. It toughened me in a lot of ways, and prepared me better for the interior self-esteem battle I would fight soon after putting on a lot of weight due to being hypothyroid just as I was entering my high school years.
In a matter of a few violent seconds, a two year old's life had a shadow cast over it that lasted many years. Nevertheless, that two year old did keep moving forward ... onward and upward.
I am very proud to announce a new association with and endorsement of NuHealth and their Recharge line of health supplements. This could not be a more pure of an endorsement situation, as I have consistently used their products throughout my fitness journey, one that has seen me drop close to 180 pounds and go down eight pants sizes over the past 21 months.
Being hypothyroid, I have a challenge when it comes to a slower metabolism, and I found that using products such as Recharge Metabolism and Recharge Testosterone, for maintaining healthier metabolic rates and overall testosterone health and support (as when I started this journey I had a lower T level) was very helpful in the full process. I also use a product of theirs called Muscle Shred 3D, also for metabolic support. These products truly have been a valuable part of my full approach to health and fitness, which includes maintaining much healthier diet habits and a dedicated exercise regimen centered around training in the martial art Krav Maga.
Bryce and the good folks at NuHealth have always been kind and supportive of my journey, from the earliest stages and far before any kind of association was ever discussed or even any significant "before and after" picture could be taken. They are truly engaged and good with their customers, champion healthy living, and I am convinced of their integrity having experienced it for almost two years first-hand.
With a store located in Lexington, Kentucky, NuHealth has a line of health supplement products that are also available at their online store at www.nuhealthlifestyle.com . As part of the new association, anyone who uses the code "ZFORCE" at the online store can get 25% off, including apparel items.
I am very excited to be associated with the NuHealth family. With proven integrity on every level, and products I have found to be effective in a time-proven manner, NuHealth is a company I can put my name behind without hesitation. I am very grateful to Bryce and the NuHealth family for their support of my own fitness journey and look forward to a wonderful association ahead. Onward and Upward! :)
I thought with all my heart that after the years I had endured in 2013 and 2014 that I would finally get to write a much different type of reflection on 2015. The year even started out incredibly, even to the point I felt it was a miracle, but as I sit here now writing this on the cusp of another New Year I cannot shy away from the reality that 2015 turned out to be yet another year of trial and endurance.
I can't sugarcoat it. I can't try to say what it is not. I don't live in fear. I live with reality and this reflection comes from the gut and heart.
Once again, I'm still standing, and more strides were made, and I'm still fighting forward. It was just a case of far too many tears and far too few smiles. But there were some smiles.
2015 started out in what I genuinely viewed as a miraculous way. A development had occurred in my life that aimed toward what I want more than anything in all the world; a dedicated home for my heart.
I often have used the metaphors of storms, gray skies, and sunshine to indicate this crucially important aspect of my life. For once, genuine sunshine emerged, the kind of light that I could feel in my heart. The sunshine brings out the full me, the real me.
I felt alive. My smile and my eyes reflected real happiness, for a change.
As the Collective Soul song Better Now says:
"Break the news out
I've got to get out
Oh I'm feeling better now"
And I did start to come alive.
Assembling children's toy sets, buying lego figures while browsing toy stores, a real Valentine's Day with a multi-course dinner and where I was able to give a gift of jewelry, trekking through snow to shovel out a mother's driveway and having a playful snowball fight, sharing a bottle of wine, playing with little noise-maker guns, cooking a family dinner all by myself, playing board games with kids and helping them with their homework, acting silly in the aisles of a grocery store while shopping, making snow angels, and all kinds of things that made my heart smile like it had not for a long, long time.
If you really want to understand me, these are some clues. Hint, nothing in my creative fields can ever bring me genuine happiness, not of the kind that truly centers me. That's one painful truth I know.
I began to get centered in a way that I had not been for many long years.
Things began to get even better as I had the release of Heart of a Lion approach, the first novel starring Rayden Valkyrie, the character of mine who is nearest and dearest to me. The whole notion of having a heart of a lion resonated with me, after I had pulled out from such difficult years in 2013 and 2014, and it looked as if things were finally going to be okay and I was finally going to get to experience a new day.
My dear friend Kylie Jude made me a book trailer for Heart of a Lion, and the lyrics to it echoed my whole experience covering the past couple of years and the period of the book release, as a triumphant moment.
"You can't break me
I will still be
fighting
roaring
where there is need
there I will be
I will keep
fighting
roaring"
The book release event for Heart of a Lion was incredible, held at Joseph-Beth Booksellers here in Lexington. Physique competitor Carrie Rapp came and starred as our Rayden Valkyrie wearing a custom outfit matching the one on the book cover art (Book cover art was by the amazing Bonnie Wasson, and the outfit was tailored by Angela Bensusan). There was even a custom menu for the night in the Bistro for the after party, from appetizers to entrees to desserts, and even a custom drink! Even more wild, I was even presented with and given an actual SWORD during the signing!
When I walked out of Joseph-Beth that night with the Colonel, Eric Jude, I felt so good about everything, and that moment was even captured on camera.
Being presented with an actual sword by Isaac Hickman
My backdrop setup for the night
Carrie Rapp in costume, myself, and the daughter of a reader and friend of mine, Carrie.Sirles-O'Connor
Walking out with Eric Jude at the end of the night
Everything looked so promising. I was centered at last, I had a book I was very proud of that had just come out. Convention season was right around the bend. Finally, at long, long last, it looked like I'd get to live the life I'd always wanted to have.
A balanced life. A life in which I could love as I know I can. A life where everything has a bit of magic because I have someone to SHARE it with.
And yes. Once again, once more, sudden heartbreak brought the clouds back thick into my skies.
The shock of it all felt so surreal.
This time, I handled it a little stronger than the periods I suffered in 2014. I did not question my self-worth and value, or what I had to offer.
Nevertheless, it was a very, very painful time with a lot of heartache. I am grateful for the chance to walk again in sunshine in a way that I had not for so many years before and have not since. I will always love her for that precious time.
The rarity of sunshine in my world makes me value it all the more. It also made for a lot of pain as I knew I had to keep moving forward, and see ahead through eyes clouded by tears.
It was, once more. A cold day.
It is very hard to describe just how deep the pain is when things of a magnitude like this happen and you have placed your heart with someone. But the Lacuna Coil song One Cold Day does give the best musical representation of how it feels:
"As I stand in the rain of this cold day
Tears are the words when I cannot confess the pain
Time will heal
But I don't want to feel
Cry in the rain
Release the pain
So cry now
Cry now and let it go?"
You have to keep moving forward. And I did.
I kept up my physical training, which was progressing and the practice of martial arts gave me focus and a channel for so much pain and frustration. It also gave me a number of small milestones, both fitness and skill-wise, to celebrate during the storm.
The song that has been such a battle-cry for me for a long time now, Pop Evil's Trenches, represents this so well. It truly is being in the trenches, and working to fill those trenches, and not giving up, and keeping yourself going, so you can stand up above ground once more.
"I've waited all my life to get out of the trenches
I'm ready to fight for what I believe you can steal from me
I won't take this
Gonna fill these trenches and stand up
Wake up,
I won't give up
'Cause here I come, here I come"
It is is so hard to describe how much energy it takes, how deep you have to reach, to push ahead as hard as you can when your heart aches so much. But I somehow found a way, even if I had to cut back on a few appearances.
One appearance I did keep, even during a very raw time of emotion for me, was a workshop for kids at Joseph-Beth Booksellers in late March. I conducted a workshop on character creation and took the 9-12 year olds through a truly pro-level character development process. It was a fantastic experience and brought me a few smiles that I badly needed. I thank Patricia Murphy very much for this special day.
Me with my class of 9-12 year olds for a workshop at Joseph-Beth Booksellers
I did make it to the Author's Fair in Madison, Indiana, continuing my streak there of attending every one of these. Doing events when you are struggling internally is very hard, as you have to do all you can to be upbeat for your readers and fellow writers, and be a good guest for the book fair. This one was not an easy one to do but I had to keep on my road. I think I delivered well as a guest for them and I did enjoy seeing readers, both new ones and those who had already come aboard my creative world.
Me at my setup at the Author's Fair in Madison Indiana, April 2015
Spring brought with it a bit of a landmark moment, a pro photo session in later April with Eric Jude of Frozen Creek Studios. This photo session captured the significant progress made in me physically and also reflected many of the things core to my world.
It was a reminder that despite all the heartache suffered, I had indeed made many strides.
The shoot with Eric and his wife Kylie was wonderful. I feel it captured a guy who keeps fighting forward and somehow manages to keep his head up.
I knew I was winning the battle to reclaim my physical self, and with so much going through my mind, about everything in my world, I began to notice the Camaro that had been sitting idle for several years, a 1992 25th anniversary Z-28 that had come into my life the last time I was in good physical shape. A Z-28 that had come into my life during a tremendous period of heartache back in my college years.
Looking at that car sitting there, not running, fading paint, my heart hurt. How had I let that happen? That's a long story, but I knew that the situation with the car was not right.
Just as I knew I haven't deserved what I've endured, that car deserved so much better. If I was reclaiming myself and fighting my way back to being the best of me again, then that car deserved to come back to full glory and beyond.
The car needed a name. And there was only one that fit with the color that I wanted that car to be. Valkyrie. After Rayden Valkyrie and in honor of the idea of having the heart of a lion. The color I envisioned was silver, to have Valkyrie look liked a honed sword blade gleaming in bright sunshine.
It took many months, starting with my tremendous neighbor and friend Bob Cable and his dad getting Valkyrie off the ground again. Then the folks at Car Masters of Lexington, KY, truly honest, kind, and dedicated folks, undertook a lot of work (one of their mechanics Tom is superb with muscle cars and you will not work with a nicer guy than Tim). The folks at MAACO capped it off by giving Valkyrie her new silver attire. A new stereo from Autosound and new tires from the good folks at Tire Discounters on Nicholasville Road.
After the set of 8 new high-end injectors were put into that 5.7 L 350, the very last step, she was back and she roared.
We were together again and it sure felt good. :)
This song, "With a Full Head of Steam" by Armored Saint, is the first song I played in her when she had her new stereo system installed. Certain cars have a spirit and she does, and when I'm driving her I can feel the fight in her and it is like she is reminding me to keep fighting, moving onward with a full head of steam. This song is what she and I would sing together, just like Jon Bush and Pearl Aday do in this song: I think Valkyrie would have a voice like Pearl, especially when she belts it out later in the song!
"So pristine
Well I keep pushing onward
With a full head of steam"
Summer got underway and I had some pleasant experiences, such as my trip to Hypericon in Nashville where I was given a fitness award. Mind you, this is a book-centered convention, so I was a bit floored by the recognition, but some very dear friends of mine, such as Mandi Lynch and Stephania Grimm, wanted to recognize the physical journey and battle I'd been fighting in that area. It really touched me and I felt honored to be recognized like that.
My fitness award from Hypericon 2015!
At the same time, a glimmer of hope was appearing in my world, and for a brief period I thought I might have another path back toward the sunlight. From a beautiful walk across the bridge in Louisville to the first real birthday party I'd had in a long time, a wonderful pool party in Louisville, I allowed my heart to hope again.
Once more, disappointment and some difficult inner hurt. An once more, nothing that made sense.
FandomFest came soon after all of that, and our literary track there was a great success. Everything ran so smoothly, the vibes were so positive, and the track and event really felt, for the second year in a row, how I knew they could be during the earlier developmental years. Always an adventure when you work with the legendary Ken Daniels! He and Myra have a great thing going with FandomFest and with the format it has now, it really is in a good place.
There was one moment in August that was truly special and represented the best in life. One of my best friends Christina Butcher and my friend Evan Richardson welcomed their son Elijah into the world. I got to visit in the hospital and hold baby Elijah. I can only imagine how amazing and incredible it must be to have a child and it represents what is most important in life. Life, family and love, the highest of things without question. This day was a celebration of all of that and I was so lucky to be able to hold baby Elijah and visit with Christina and Evan there at the hospital.
Me with baby Elijah
The second year of Imaginarium arrived in September, and took a nice step forward. It grew in size, we had a great Guest of Honor in romance author Lori Wilde, and we added some great new things such as a Friday night rock concert and a Magic the Gathering game tournament. The heart was there and while we still haven't gotten to meeting the costs of the event, a big stride was made and there's a lot of motivation and momentum toward our third year. Senior staff like Frank Hall, Robin Blankenship, Eric and Kylie Jude, and Jill Campbell were true champions, and our volunteer staff shined (from Mary Holt Blankenship, to Sandy Kachurek and Resa Sandora, to all involved.), Of course, our representative at the Crowne Plaza, Nicole Castaneda, is aces!
Me with the one and only Frank Hall at Imaginarium 2015
One fun thing that I started doing as fall arrived was beginning my journey on the Bourbon Trail here in Kentucky. Bourbon is a big part of Kentucky, historically and in terms of industry, and seeing the distilleries has been something I've long wanted to do. I got to do this with with the great Jude family (Eric, Kylie, Rachel their cousin Lisa Marie Ross, and Bobby Little, and ,my awesome friend Robin Blankenship came aboard for our second excursion) of course, and was able to hit Jim Beam, Wild Turkey, and Four Roses, netting me a third of the nine passport stamps I need to complete the official trail. The tours were all amazing, with a lot to see, to learn, and to sample! :)
Me with Eric Jude at Jim Beam
My physical journey all this while had been proceeding very well. Krav Maga is a great fit for me and the workouts continued to advance as my physicality enabled me to do more and more. I've said before that Krav Maga has been a gift and a blessing these past two years, and now as I surpass where I was in my 20's and able to do things I could not do in my 20's, it becomes more self-evident. In the fall I took a photo that showed the stages from the beginning, to earlier in 2015, to later in 2015.
I had another book release in October, the 2nd volume of my Hellscapes collection of short stories. This time, the cover art was created by the uber-talented Aaron Drown of Aaron Drown Design, who writes as A. Christopher Drown and is a top-flight author by any definition (As his novel A Mage of None Magic proves). These tales aren't for the faint of heart, but there's a moral to all of them, as it is an exploration of evil. Perfect book to have out around Halloween too!
I also did some events and appearances, including another one at Paul Laurence Dunbar High School in Lexington, a place that is very special to me. I love to encourage kids to stay strong and go for their dreams and thankfully I've been able to do that many times at PLD. Their LitCon was a great success, and major kudos to Summer Stockwell Perry for spearheading such a wonderful thing for high school students.
Me with some of the great students at Paul Laurence Dunbar High School in Lexington
The holiday season then arrived.
In recent years, this has been a very difficult thing for me, as I haven't found a home for my heart, where I can start my own family again (whether that be becoming part of a partner's world, starting a new one, or a combination of both), and I've had so many loved ones pass away in what was already a smaller family to begin with. It's down to just me and my sister now, and I know it's very hard on both of us when we were used to warm, joyous family holidays in the past.
We make the most of it and had Thanksgiving with lifelong friends who we deem as family, Maria Peltier, and her daughter Michelle.
During this time, once more a glimmer of hope occurred in that area that is most important to me. I was so excited as just when I was girding myself for the holidays it looked as if something bright and wonderful was entering my world. A situation I would have been absolutely happy with. I had many very wonderful experiences, from daytime lunches, to walks in the park, to frozen yogurt forays, to a hike, to helping out with essay papers in a coffee shop, a special holiday dinner and party I held at my favorite restaurant Pete's Wok, to a big concert night seeing Trans-Siberian Orchestra where I felt a touch of the Christmas magic I had not felt in so long.
This song doesn't have lyrics, but it is one of my favorite Trans-Siberian Orchestra Songs and this is how my heart felt that night at the concert, from the 14th row back from the stage:
Yet once more, heartache arrived.
Right in the Christmas season.
And nothing I could understand.
I wanted to cry out. How much heartache can a person take? Does the Universe think I'm made of Titanium?
Dammit, it hurts SO deep. I always give my best, I having a loving heart, I am always kind, I am always giving, and yet it always seems it gets tossed aside as if it were nothing.
I'll never understand that. It never gets any easier. And yes, I know with absolute certainty I deserve better in light of what I offer. At least I believe in myself and know that, no matter how much my heart hurts.
I just couldn't believe what had happened, and the song A Day in My Life by Five Finger Death Punch really hits home hard in regard to this latest hurt.
"Feels like I'm falling away
Getting deeper and deeper everyday
And like nothing has changed or ever will
It seems like I'm going insane
Getting farther and farther everyday
I just swallow the pain
And always will
Welcome to a day in my life"
Deep breath.
I have to keep moving forward as long as I'm breathing.
I have to give myself a chance that things will indeed change and someone special will recognize what I have to offer, will appreciate me, and will give my heart a home. And they will discover that they have won the lottery because they'll have a dedicated, loyal, steadfast, big-hearted and caring guy ready to give them the adventure of a lifetime.
So, after enduring a particularly painful Christmas period, I thought I'd just look to wrap the year up quietly. Another tough one, another year of trial with a high dose of heartache, and some strides in a few areas.
I then decided to make one final statement.
Over a year ago, I was still too anxiety-ridden to take my shirt off at a beach or pool. I realized, here in late December of 2015, that I had become confident in myself, no matter what, and I have changed how I view myself in many ways.
So I took a selfie of myself wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt, showing some of my chest and the flatter stomach I've attained. I posted in on my mainstream social media areas such as Facebook and Instagram.
It was my way of saying I was still standing tall and believe in myself more than ever. A year ago afraid to take my shirt off at a pool, now posting a pic with exposed chest and stomach right there in public on Facebook.
It was a self-affirmation. It was a statement of confidence and belief in myself.
I never expected the response, especially from a very, very talented romance and erotica author who has indicated she will use me as a cover model for one of her books. This meant so very much to me, as a cover for an author is not just personal, but also the representation in marketing their book and selling books. To hear that an established romance author that I highly respect would like to use me for a cover model meant a ton to me on many levels and was a tremendous validation of the 2 years of very, very hard work that's been involved in reclaiming my physical self.
It was a lightning bolt of positive energy at a time when I've been surrounded by a lot of darkness. It meant so much that I told her I'd be willing to be clean-shaven and even cut my hair if the look for her book cover required it!
So where do things stand as 2015 comes to a close?
I believe in myself. I'm a fighter. I'm still standing.
It brings to mind a song that played over the baseball field loudspeakers when a 12 year old boy took the mound in a championship game as an underdog. He, and his father, were the only two that truly believed it could be done. That boy struck out the first three batters he faced and led his team to win a championship.
Now, many years later, that twelve year old boy has become a man and embraced a warrior's path. He is stepping into 2016 as an underdog once again, against great odds.
Don't underestimate him.
The 2016 version of him, like the recent cover of the song, is full of fire and fury. I make no predictions about 2016 but I am going to come out swinging and I'm hitting harder than ever these days.
This Christmas is yet another one that I woke up alone, surrounded by heavy silence. In my mind, I remember the kinds of Christmas days I had in the past, and what Christmas is filled with; a spirit flowing with generosity, affection, good will, and everything that involves love's essence.
Sometimes the periods of trial in your life bring you to a greater appreciation and understanding of something. You gain a different perspective when you are in the fires, one that brings you a greater level of clarity.
I have heard it said and written that love is just a feeling. Here, reflecting upon what Christmas is all about, contrasting the Christmases of present and past, I find myself thinking about love and what love really is.
When I come across those who say love is just a feeling, I want to tell them a resounding no, that they are very, very mistaken. Love is far, far more than a feeling.
Many wonderful feelings can emanate from a state of love. The presence of real love can take you into a state of rapturous joy. It can bring you a sense of inner peace and contentment that is timeless. It can invigorate you to where you regain the sense of wonder and things being new that a child has. It can raise you to heights and depths of intimacy and passion not possible without its presence.
Yet the feelings, no matter how wonderful they might be, should never be confused with the core that gives life to them. They are reflections and manifestations, but they are not the substance.
The English language has a tremendous range of words to be used for expression and description, but when it comes to love I often find it to be very inadequate. Many other cultures have multiple words for love, such as the ancient Greeks. With their concepts of agape, or an unconditional type of love, like that between a parent and child, or philia, the brotherly/sisterly love that is reflected in friendships, or eros, the passionate love between a couple, I believe the Greeks arrived at the deeper and more multi-faceted nature of genuine love.
Genuine love reaches the state where the equation of "one plus one equals one" is not just possible, but the consummate reality. So much is encompassed by love that it is impossible for me to capture all of it in just one essay, but perhaps I can show a few of its facets using what I have learned about love at this stage of my journey. It is my intention to illustrate enough of it to demonstrate my view of when genuine love is present.
With the presence of love, even the dynamic of feelings is transformed. Joy is derived from the recognition of joy in the other person. The sense of inner peace is empowered by the sense of inner peace in the other person. The thrill of wonder takes life when seeing the shine in the eyes of the other person. The feeling of intimacy is heightened in recognizing the passion in the other person. The very nature of feelings is changed due to the shared experience and bond with the person that you love.
But feelings, however they might manifest and take new forms in a state of love, are only a small part of it. Genuine love brings about a number of qualities, many of which require effort and conscious dedication to maintain and build upon over time.
Love brings about a sense of patience and compromise, and that means you gain the kind of patience to allow the other person space to compromise in areas where it will improve and strengthen a given relationship. No two individuals are the same, and inevitably there will be differences that come to light. Sometimes the differences can lead to exposure to new things that you come to truly enjoy, and at other times you come to enjoy something you would not otherwise like simply because you recognize the pleasure and happiness that it brings the one that you love. Compromise in a state of genuine love is not about giving in, it is about embracing.
Changes in the way you do things, or how you conduct daily affairs, can bring about greater harmony between two people, growing the bond between them. But these changes and adjustments are only made possible with the ability to compromise and the patience to achieve that and let it take root, both with yourself and the one you love. Genuine love enables and involves this kind of patience and compromise.
Genuine love involves a sense of empowerment, both regarding yourself and the one that you love. When you have achieved a state of genuine love, over time there will be inevitable growth in self-confidence and a sense of self-worth, both in terms of oneself as well as the other person. These areas of growth reflect in the very way that you both carry yourself each and every day, and are easily recognizable by others. You take pride in the one you love, and you also take pride in who you are.
The love you bring another and the love they give you drives both of you to continually grow and become better people. It is about uplift and betterment in all things, and this will show itself in so many ways within a relationship that contains genuine love. Sometimes, it can be wonderfully transforming, taking one who perceived themselves as broken and bringing them to a place where they shine like new, brighter than ever before. Genuine love always seeks the best for another, and at the same time asks you to seek the best in yourself.
Genuine love brings you onto a path that is not convenient or easy It is not something discarded at the first obstacle or challenge. It often requires deep sacrifice, the kind of sacrifice that brings you into some manner of hardship or incurring a significant cost to yourself, but you embrace and undertake it if it leads to the betterment and well-being of the one you love. You sacrifice because they are worth every sacrifice.
Generosity is present where there is genuine love. The desire to celebrate the other person and express your own recognition of their value and worth leads to a generous and giving spirit. You go the extra mile to bring something more to a special occasion. You put more thought into gestures that are made and gifts that are given. You even get creative with surprises and instigating new adventures. A generous spirit pervades all of it, as you delight in the other person, show them how you take delight in them, and make it clear how greatly you value them.
A guardian spirit inevitably comes over you when you love somebody, in a way that governs both yourself and how you approach the world at large. In your desire to protect one you love, you seek to do no harm to them, first and foremost. The natural extension of that is to protect them from outside harm, to a level where you will stand forward no matter what the odds are to defend them, even to the point that it requires your own life. It truly is a state of being where if others seek to harm one that you love, they will find you blocking their path, with both of your feet firmly planted on the ground.
One of the hardest things about genuine love is the acceptance of vulnerability, but that is also one of the biggest signs of love's presence. In opening yourself up on the deepest and most intimate levels to another person, you become vulnerable, and it can take a lot of courage to do take that step. But in embracing that kind of vulnerability, you reach a depth in the relationship with the other person that is both rare and precious. While you can be wounded greatly when this is violated, when it is not the kind of connection created leads to a true union between two spirits. You discover that in vulnerability there is tremendous strength.
Love, in all of its facets and aspects, draws its strength from a foundation of trust. You trust that the other person will care for your heart, when you place it into their hands. You trust that they seek your well-being and betterment. You trust in what they tell you and express, and this also means that you are open with them as well. Without trust, which in love involves the deepest kind of belief in the other person and who they are, the other aspects are not possible.
Genuine love is capable of miracles and guiding us toward our best selves. It is worth fighting for, worth making every effort, and, in my view, the greatest part of life itself. Genuine love gives life meaning.
That's why, as I sit here alone on a Christmas morning, I can say without hesitation that I feel very sorry for those who say that love is merely a feeling. In their own words, they reveal that they do not understand what love truly is.
Love is far, far more than a feeling.
And with that, I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, as Christmas is all about love.
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