Love is Far, Far More Than a Feeling

This Christmas is yet another one that I woke up alone, surrounded by heavy silence.  In my mind, I remember the kinds of Christmas days I had in the past, and what Christmas is filled with; a spirit flowing with generosity, affection, good will, and everything that involves love's essence.

Sometimes the periods of trial in your life bring you to a greater appreciation and understanding of something.  You gain a different perspective when you are in the fires, one that brings you a greater level of clarity.

I have heard it said and written that love is just a feeling.  Here, reflecting upon what Christmas is all about, contrasting the Christmases of present and past, I find myself thinking about love and what love really is.

When I come across those who say love is just a feeling, I want to tell them a resounding no, that they are very, very mistaken.  Love is far, far more than a feeling.

Many wonderful feelings can emanate from a state of love.  The presence of real love can take you into a state of rapturous joy.  It can bring you a sense of inner peace and contentment that is timeless. It can invigorate you to where you regain the sense of wonder and things being new that a child has.  It can raise you to heights and depths of intimacy and passion not possible without its presence.

Yet the feelings, no matter how wonderful they might be, should never be confused with the core that gives life to them.  They are reflections and manifestations, but they are not the substance.

The English language has a tremendous range of words to be used for expression and description, but when it comes to love I often find it to be very inadequate.  Many other cultures have multiple words for love, such as the ancient Greeks.  With their concepts of agape, or an unconditional type of love, like that between a parent and child, or philia, the brotherly/sisterly love that is reflected in friendships, or eros, the passionate love between a couple, I believe the Greeks arrived at the deeper and more multi-faceted nature of genuine love.

Genuine love reaches the state where the equation of "one plus one equals one" is not just possible, but the consummate reality.  So much is encompassed by love that it is impossible for me to capture all of it in just one essay, but perhaps I can show a few of its facets using what I have learned about love at this stage of my journey.  It is my intention to illustrate enough of it to demonstrate my view of when genuine love is present.

With the presence of love, even the dynamic of feelings is transformed.  Joy is derived from the recognition of joy in the other person.  The sense of inner peace is empowered by the sense of inner peace in the other person.  The thrill of wonder takes life when seeing the shine in the eyes of the other person.  The feeling of intimacy is heightened in recognizing the passion in the other person. The very nature of feelings is changed due to the shared experience and bond with the person that you love.

But feelings, however they might manifest and take new forms in a state of love, are only a small part of it. Genuine love brings about a number of qualities, many of which require effort and conscious dedication to maintain and build upon over time.

Love brings about a sense of patience and compromise, and that means you gain the kind of patience to allow the other person space to compromise in areas where it will improve and strengthen a given relationship.  No two individuals are the same, and inevitably there will be differences that come to light.  Sometimes the differences can lead to exposure to new things that you come to truly enjoy, and at other times you come to enjoy something you would not otherwise like simply because you recognize the pleasure and happiness that it brings the one that you love.  Compromise in a state of genuine love is not about giving in, it is about embracing.

Changes in the way you do things, or how you conduct daily affairs, can bring about greater harmony between two people, growing the bond between them.  But these changes and adjustments are only made possible with the ability to compromise and the patience to achieve that and let it take root, both with yourself and the one you love.  Genuine love enables and involves this kind of patience and compromise.

Genuine love involves a sense of empowerment, both regarding yourself and the one that you love.  When you have achieved a state of genuine love, over time there will be inevitable growth in self-confidence and a sense of self-worth, both in terms of oneself as well as the other person.  These areas of growth reflect in the very way that you both carry yourself each and every day, and are easily recognizable by others.  You take pride in the one you love, and you also take pride in who you are.  

The love you bring another and the love they give you drives both of you to continually grow and become better people.  It is about uplift and betterment in all things, and this will show itself in so many ways within a relationship that contains genuine love. Sometimes, it can be wonderfully transforming, taking one who perceived themselves as broken and bringing them to a place where they shine like new, brighter than ever before.  Genuine love always seeks the best for another, and at the same time asks you to seek the best in yourself.

Genuine love brings you onto a path that is not convenient or easy  It is not something discarded at the first obstacle or challenge.  It often requires deep sacrifice, the kind of sacrifice that brings you into some manner of hardship or incurring a significant cost to yourself, but you embrace and undertake it if it leads to the betterment and well-being of the one you love.  You sacrifice because they are worth every sacrifice.

Generosity is present where there is genuine love.  The desire to celebrate the other person and express your own recognition of their value and worth leads to a generous and giving spirit.  You go the extra mile to bring something more to a special occasion.  You put more thought into gestures that are made and gifts that are given.  You even get creative with surprises and instigating new adventures.  A generous spirit pervades all of it, as you delight in the other person, show them how you take delight in them, and make it clear how greatly you value them.

A guardian spirit inevitably comes over you when you love somebody, in a way that governs both yourself and how you approach the world at large.  In your desire to protect one you love, you seek to do no harm to them, first and foremost.  The natural extension of that is to protect them from outside harm, to a level where you will stand forward no matter what the odds are to defend them, even to the point that it requires your own life.  It truly is a state of being where if others seek to harm one that you love, they will find you blocking their path, with both of your feet firmly planted on the ground.

One of the hardest things about genuine love is the acceptance of vulnerability, but that is also one of the biggest signs of love's presence.  In opening yourself up on the deepest and most intimate levels to another person, you become vulnerable, and it can take a lot of courage to do take that step.  But in embracing that kind of vulnerability, you reach a depth in the relationship with the other person that is both rare and precious.  While you can be wounded greatly when this is violated, when it is not the kind of connection created leads to a true union between two spirits.  You discover that in vulnerability there is tremendous strength.

Love, in all of its facets and aspects, draws its strength from a foundation of trust.  You trust that the other person will care for your heart, when you place it into their hands.  You trust that they seek your well-being and betterment.  You trust in what they tell you and express, and this also means that you are open with them as well.  Without trust, which in love involves the deepest kind of belief in the other person and who they are, the other aspects are not possible.

Genuine love is capable of miracles and guiding us toward our best selves.  It is worth fighting for, worth making every effort, and, in my view, the greatest part of life itself.  Genuine love gives life meaning.  

That's why, as I sit here alone on a Christmas morning, I can say without hesitation that I feel very sorry for those who say that love is merely a feeling.  In their own words, they reveal that they do not understand what love truly is.

Love is far, far more than a feeling.

And with that, I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, as Christmas is all about love.

During Holiday Trials, Moving Forward is the Only Choice

In many homes tonight there is the warm glow of lights, the laughter of children, embraces of affection, kisses between loved ones, and the very air sparks with the magic of Christmas.  It is a wonderful time with expressions of generosity, good will, love and the kinds of things that give strength and vitality to life itself. 

Yet tonight I have to give voice to others, for whom this time is a very difficult trial, a period to endure and find a way to make it through.  For myself, and a great many others, it is a bitter, cold and lonely time, and for those such as us it is no exaggeration to say that demons swarm like no other time of year.  

The reasons are different for many, whether they are tied to experiences of deep grief, hardships, heartbreak, or a combination of all of those, but the shadow cast over the holiday season has a similar feel for those experiencing it as a trial. 

It is hard to put the feelings into words that those who have not gone through it can understand.  I could speak of the heaviness of heart, the sting of the memories of the days when Christmas held magic and promise, the chill of uncertainty, and how my very spirit feels as if it is suffocating.

It does not diminish me in any way to discuss these kinds of feelings openly  For better or for worse, I have never hidden who I am and I have nothing to hide.  If anything, rising tomorrow and doing what I can to move forward reflects a kind of inner strength that I believe is a great attribute and something that I can draw upon for a better day.  

I have not given up on seeing the dawn of a day when the magic of Christmas returns to my world.  I may be a lone warrior at the moment, but I desire a family of my own.  The trials I have been through will only serve to reinforce my dedication, appreciation, generosity, and joy toward that family I can truly call my own. 

Somewhere in the depths of the current darkness, a certain wisdom and strength can be found.  The hardships and trials of the present  preparing you for a better day in the future, the setbacks and heartaches bringing you greater appreciation for the time when your heart finally finds a home.  

You know you won't take that day for granted, and you also understand that you will walk each and every day in gratitude when that day is reached.  The special one that takes my hand for that journey will find a depth of heart from me of a kind they may have never imagined possible, bringing with it a level of commitment, generosity, and affection that will fill their world with light and joy.  

Is it hard to face a Christmas like this one, knowing that it will be yet another passing of the holiday where the magic is absent, and another year will pass before you may even have a chance to feel that magic again?  Of course it is hard.  Brutally hard.  Incredibly difficult.  But avoiding that stark reality or its harsh nature does me no good.  You can only address what is, and only by facing the demons do you discover what you have to do to pull yourself up and move forward.  

The skies may be churning with dense clouds of storm at the present, but I will press onward and I will make every effort to reach that place where my skies shine with the Light of a Thousand Suns. I encourage all others going through difficult Christmas to do all you can to keep moving forward. Even in the midst of the darkness, I say the magic can be found again.  Give yourself that chance. 

Post-Christmas, Pre-New Years

The Christmas weekend went very well...low-key, relaxing, just the way I like it. We got a White Christmas too, as a couple of inches of snow blanketed Lexington. It was wonderful spending time with my sister, mother, the always gregarious Harold (a cat, for those of you who do not yet know of him) and a dear family friend that has officially been declared my "third grandmother". (both of my grandmothers have passed away, and this wonderful lady has been a dear friend of the family since early childhood...so I decided to annoint her as my third grandmother!).

As we have a small group, we tended to spoil the heck out of each other. I got an awesome new black leather jacket which I will be wearing at appearances in early 2011, along with several other gifts ranging from some new clothes to an Ace Frehley DVD. It was a really wonderful, restful weekend!

I had peace of mind too, as we got all packages for Dream of Legends out before the weekend hit. We were a few days behind because it took a little longer than usual for the books to arrive for signing, probably due to the busy nature of the holiday season.

I was able to acquire a great pic of me and my editor, Karen Leet, just after she got to see the limited edition hardcovers for the very first time. I may look a little disheveled, but I definitely want to share this photo, as you can tell how pleased Karen is with how the book turned out.




I also got my Pluto Award in the mail. It is a beautiful, fully engraved award, which I will be taking a picture of in the next day or so. I will post it here, of course. It is just an amazing way to be wrapping up 2010, and definitely gives me a great deal of encouragement to head into 2011.

I will endeavor to get a nice "year in review" post up for the new year, but thought I would drop in and share a few things in the mid-week!