2015 - A Look Back - The Road Grew Longer

I thought with all my heart that after the years I had endured in 2013 and 2014 that I would finally get to write a much different type of reflection on 2015.  The year even started out incredibly, even to the point I felt it was a miracle, but as I sit here now writing this on the cusp of another New Year I cannot shy away from the reality that 2015 turned out to be yet another year of trial and endurance.

I can't sugarcoat it.  I can't try to say what it is not.  I don't live in fear.  I live with reality and this reflection comes from the gut and heart.

Once again, I'm still standing, and more strides were made, and I'm still fighting forward.  It was just a case of far too many tears and far too few smiles.  But there were some smiles.

2015 started out in what I genuinely viewed as a miraculous way.  A development had occurred in my life that aimed toward what I want more than anything in all the world; a dedicated home for my heart.

I often have used the metaphors of storms, gray skies, and sunshine to indicate this crucially important aspect of my life.  For once, genuine sunshine emerged, the kind of light that I could feel in my heart.  The sunshine brings out the full me, the real me.

I felt alive.  My smile and my eyes reflected real happiness, for a change.

As the Collective Soul song Better Now says:

"Break the news out

I've got to get out

Oh I'm feeling better now"

And I did start to come alive.

Assembling children's toy sets, buying lego figures while browsing toy stores, a real Valentine's Day with a multi-course dinner and where I was able to give a gift of jewelry, trekking through snow to shovel out a mother's driveway and having a playful snowball fight, sharing a bottle of wine, playing with little noise-maker guns, cooking a family dinner all by myself, playing board games with kids and helping them with their homework, acting silly in the aisles of a grocery store while shopping, making snow angels, and all kinds of things that made my heart smile like it had not for a long, long time.

If you really want to understand me, these are some clues.  Hint, nothing in my creative fields can ever bring me genuine happiness, not of the kind that truly centers me.  That's one painful truth I know.

I began to get centered in a way that I had not been for many long years.

Things began to get even better as I had the release of Heart of a Lion approach, the first novel starring Rayden Valkyrie, the character of mine who is nearest and dearest to me.  The whole notion of having a heart of a lion resonated with me, after I had pulled out from such difficult years in 2013 and 2014, and it looked as if things were finally going to be okay and I was finally going to get to experience a new day.

My dear friend Kylie Jude made me a book trailer for Heart of a Lion, and the lyrics to it echoed my whole experience covering the past couple of years and the period of the book release, as a triumphant moment.

"You can't break me 

I will still be 

fighting 

roaring 

where there is need 

there I will be 

 I will keep 

fighting 

roaring"

The book release event for Heart of a Lion was incredible, held at Joseph-Beth Booksellers here in Lexington.  Physique competitor Carrie Rapp came and starred as our Rayden Valkyrie wearing a custom outfit matching the one on the book cover art (Book cover art was by the amazing Bonnie Wasson, and the outfit was tailored by Angela Bensusan).  There was even a custom menu for the night in the Bistro for the after party, from appetizers to entrees to desserts, and even a custom drink!  Even more wild, I was even presented with and given an actual SWORD during the signing!

When I walked out of Joseph-Beth that night with the Colonel, Eric Jude, I felt so good about everything, and that moment was even captured on camera.

Being presented with an actual sword by Isaac Hickman

My backdrop setup for the night

Carrie Rapp in costume, myself, and the daughter of a reader and friend of mine, Carrie.Sirles-O'Connor

Walking out with Eric Jude at the end of the night

Everything looked so promising.  I was centered at last, I had a book I was very proud of that had just come out.  Convention season was right around the bend.  Finally, at long, long last, it looked like I'd get to live the life I'd always wanted to have.

A balanced life.  A life in which I could love as I know I can.  A life where everything has a bit of magic because I have someone to SHARE it with.

And yes.  Once again, once more, sudden heartbreak brought the clouds back thick into my skies.

The shock of it all felt so surreal.

This time, I handled it a little stronger than the periods I suffered in 2014.  I did not question my self-worth and value, or what I had to offer.

Nevertheless, it was a very, very painful time with a lot of heartache.  I am grateful for the chance to walk again in sunshine in a way that I had not for so many years before and have not since.  I will always love her for that precious time.

The rarity of sunshine in my world makes me value it all the more. It also made for a lot of pain as I knew I had to keep moving forward, and see ahead through eyes clouded by tears.

It was, once more.  A cold day.

It is very hard to describe just how deep the pain is when things of a magnitude like this happen and you have placed your heart with someone.  But the Lacuna Coil song One Cold Day does give the best musical representation of how it feels:

"As I stand in the rain of this cold day

Tears are the words when I cannot confess the pain

Time will heal

But I don't want to feel

Cry in the rain

Release the pain

So cry now

Cry now and let it go?"

You have to keep moving forward.  And I did.

I kept up my physical training, which was progressing and the practice of martial arts gave me focus and a channel for so much pain and frustration.  It also gave me a number of small milestones, both fitness and skill-wise, to celebrate during the storm.

The song that has been such a battle-cry for me for a long time now, Pop Evil's Trenches, represents this so well.  It truly is being in the trenches, and working to fill those trenches, and not giving up, and keeping yourself going, so you can stand up above ground once more.

"I've waited all my life to get out of the trenches 

 I'm ready to fight for what I believe you can steal from me 

 I won't take this 

 Gonna fill these trenches and stand up 

Wake up, 

I won't give up 

 'Cause here I come, here I come"

It is is so hard to describe how much energy it takes, how deep you have to reach, to push ahead as hard as you can when your heart aches so much.  But I somehow found a way, even if I had to cut back on a few appearances.

One appearance I did keep, even during a very raw time of emotion for me, was a workshop for kids at Joseph-Beth Booksellers in late March.  I conducted a workshop on character creation and took the 9-12 year olds through a truly pro-level character development process. It was a fantastic experience and brought me a few smiles that I badly needed.  I thank Patricia Murphy very much for this special day.

Me with my class of 9-12 year olds for a workshop at Joseph-Beth Booksellers

I did make it to the Author's Fair in Madison, Indiana, continuing my streak there of attending every one of these.  Doing events when you are struggling internally is very hard, as you have to do all you can to be upbeat for your readers and fellow writers, and be a good guest for the book fair.  This one was not an easy one to do but I had to keep on my road. I think I delivered well as a guest for them and I did enjoy seeing readers, both new ones and those who had already come aboard my creative world.

Me at my setup at the Author's Fair in Madison Indiana, April 2015

Spring brought with it a bit of a landmark moment, a pro photo session in later April with Eric Jude of Frozen Creek Studios.  This photo session captured the significant progress made in me physically and also reflected many of the things core to my world.

It was a reminder that despite all the heartache suffered, I had indeed made many strides.

The shoot with Eric and his wife Kylie was wonderful.  I feel it captured a guy who keeps fighting forward and somehow manages to keep his head up.

I knew I was winning the battle to reclaim my physical self, and with so much going through my mind, about everything in my world, I began to notice the Camaro that had been sitting idle for several years, a 1992 25th anniversary Z-28 that had come into my life the last time I was in good physical shape.  A Z-28 that had come into my life during a tremendous period of heartache back in my college years.  

Looking at that car sitting there, not running, fading paint, my heart hurt.  How had I let that happen? That's a long story, but I knew that the situation with the car was not right.

Just as I knew I haven't deserved what I've endured, that car deserved so much better.  If I was reclaiming myself and fighting my way back to being the best of me again, then that car deserved to come back to full glory and beyond.  

The car needed a name.  And there was only one that fit with the color that I wanted that car to be.  Valkyrie.  After Rayden Valkyrie and in honor of the idea of having the heart of a lion.  The color I envisioned was silver, to have Valkyrie look liked a honed sword blade gleaming in bright sunshine.  

It took many months, starting with my tremendous neighbor and friend Bob Cable and his dad getting Valkyrie off the ground again.  Then the folks at Car Masters of Lexington, KY, truly honest, kind, and dedicated folks, undertook a lot of work (one of their mechanics Tom is superb with muscle cars and you will not work with a nicer guy than Tim).  The folks at MAACO capped it off by giving Valkyrie her new silver attire.  A new stereo from Autosound and new tires from the good folks at Tire Discounters on Nicholasville Road. 

After the set of 8 new high-end injectors were put into that 5.7 L 350, the very last step, she was back and she roared.

We were together again and it sure felt good. :)

This song, "With a Full Head of Steam" by Armored Saint, is the first song I played in her when she had her new stereo system installed.  Certain cars have a spirit and she does, and when I'm driving her I can feel  the fight in her and it is like she is reminding me to keep fighting, moving onward with a full head of steam.  This song is what she and I would sing together, just like Jon Bush and Pearl Aday do in this song: I think Valkyrie would have a voice like Pearl, especially when she belts it out later in the song!

"So pristine 

Well I keep pushing onward  

With a full head of steam"

Summer got underway and I had some pleasant experiences, such as my trip to Hypericon in Nashville where I was given a fitness award.  Mind you, this is a book-centered convention, so I was a bit floored by the recognition, but some very dear friends of mine, such as Mandi Lynch and Stephania Grimm, wanted to recognize the physical journey and battle I'd been fighting in that area. It really touched me and I felt honored to be recognized like that.

My fitness award from Hypericon 2015! 

At the same time, a glimmer of hope was appearing in my world, and for a brief period I thought I might have another path back toward the sunlight.  From a beautiful walk across the bridge in Louisville to the first real birthday party I'd had in a long time, a wonderful pool party in Louisville, I allowed my heart to hope again.

Once more, disappointment and some difficult inner hurt.  An once more, nothing that made sense.

FandomFest came soon after all of that, and our literary track there was a great success. Everything ran so smoothly, the vibes were so positive, and the track and event really felt, for the second year in a row, how I knew they could be during the earlier developmental years.  Always an adventure when you work with the legendary Ken Daniels!  He and Myra have a great thing going with FandomFest and with the format it has now, it really is in a good place.

There was one moment in August that was truly special and represented the best in life.  One of my best friends Christina Butcher and my friend Evan Richardson welcomed their son Elijah into the world.  I got to visit in the hospital and hold baby Elijah.  I can only imagine how amazing and incredible it must be to have a child and it represents what is most important in life.  Life, family and love, the highest of things without question.  This day was a celebration of all of that and I was so lucky to be able to hold baby Elijah and visit with Christina and Evan there at the hospital.

Me with baby Elijah 

The second year of Imaginarium arrived in September, and took a nice step forward.  It grew in size, we had a great Guest of Honor in romance author Lori Wilde, and we added some great new things such as a Friday night rock concert and a Magic the Gathering game tournament.  The heart was there and while we still haven't gotten to meeting the costs of the event, a big stride was made and there's a lot of motivation and momentum toward our third year.  Senior staff like Frank Hall, Robin Blankenship, Eric and Kylie Jude, and Jill Campbell were true champions, and our volunteer staff shined (from Mary Holt Blankenship, to Sandy Kachurek and Resa Sandora, to all involved.),  Of course, our representative at the Crowne Plaza, Nicole Castaneda, is aces!

Me with the one and only Frank Hall at Imaginarium 2015

One fun thing that I started doing as fall arrived was beginning my journey on the Bourbon Trail here in Kentucky.  Bourbon is a big part of Kentucky, historically and in terms of industry, and seeing the distilleries has been something I've long wanted to do.  I got to do this with with the great Jude family (Eric, Kylie, Rachel their cousin Lisa Marie Ross, and Bobby Little, and ,my awesome friend Robin Blankenship came aboard for our second excursion) of course, and was able to hit Jim Beam, Wild Turkey, and Four Roses, netting me a third of the nine passport stamps I need to complete the official trail.  The tours were all amazing, with a lot to see, to learn, and to sample! :)

Me with Eric Jude at Jim Beam

My physical journey all this while had been proceeding very well.  Krav Maga is a great fit for me and the workouts continued to advance as my physicality enabled me to do more and more.  I've said before that Krav Maga has been a gift and a blessing these past two years, and now as I surpass where I was in my 20's and able to do things I could not do in my 20's, it becomes more self-evident. In the fall I took a photo that showed the stages from the beginning, to earlier in 2015, to later in 2015.

I had another book release in October, the 2nd volume of my Hellscapes collection of short stories. This time, the cover art was created by the uber-talented Aaron Drown of Aaron Drown Design, who writes as A. Christopher Drown and is a top-flight author by any definition (As his novel A Mage of None Magic proves).  These tales aren't for the faint of heart, but there's a moral to all of them, as it is an exploration of evil.  Perfect book to have out around Halloween too!

I also did some events and appearances, including another one at Paul Laurence Dunbar High School in Lexington, a place that is very special to me.  I love to encourage kids to stay strong and go for their dreams and thankfully I've been able to do that many times at PLD.  Their LitCon was a great success, and major kudos to Summer Stockwell Perry for spearheading such a wonderful thing for high school students. 

Me with some of the great students at Paul Laurence Dunbar High School in Lexington

The holiday season then arrived.  

In recent years, this has been a very difficult thing for me, as I haven't found a home for my heart, where I can start my own family again (whether that be becoming part of a partner's world, starting a new one, or a combination of both), and I've had so many loved ones pass away in what was already a smaller family to begin with.  It's down to just me and my sister now, and I know it's very hard on both of us when we were used to warm, joyous family holidays in the past. 

We make the most of it and had Thanksgiving with lifelong friends who we deem as family, Maria Peltier, and her daughter Michelle.  

During this time, once more a glimmer of hope occurred in that area that is most important to me.  I was so excited as just when I was girding myself for the holidays it looked as if something bright and wonderful was entering my world.  A situation I would have been absolutely happy with.  I had many very wonderful experiences, from daytime lunches, to walks in the park, to frozen yogurt forays, to a hike, to helping out with essay papers in a coffee shop, a special holiday dinner and party I held at my favorite restaurant Pete's Wok, to a big concert night seeing Trans-Siberian Orchestra where I felt a touch of the Christmas magic I had not felt in so long.  

This song doesn't have lyrics, but it is one of my favorite Trans-Siberian Orchestra Songs and this is how my heart felt that night at the concert, from the 14th row back from the stage: 

Yet once more, heartache arrived.

Right in the Christmas season.

And nothing I could understand.

I wanted to cry out.  How much heartache can a person take?  Does the Universe think I'm made of Titanium?

Dammit, it hurts SO deep.  I always give my best, I having a loving heart, I am always kind, I am always giving, and yet it always seems it gets tossed aside as if it were nothing.

I'll never understand that. It never gets any easier. And yes, I know with absolute certainty I deserve better in light of what I offer. At least I believe in myself and know that, no matter how much my heart hurts.

I just couldn't believe what had happened, and the song A Day in My Life by Five Finger Death Punch really hits home hard in regard to this latest hurt.

"Feels like I'm falling away

Getting deeper and deeper everyday

And like nothing has changed or ever will

It seems like I'm going insane

Getting farther and farther everyday

I just swallow the pain

And always will

Welcome to a day in my life"

Deep breath.

I have to keep moving forward as long as I'm breathing.

I have to give myself a chance that things will indeed change and someone special will recognize what I have to offer, will appreciate me, and will give my heart a home.  And they will discover that they have won the lottery because they'll have a dedicated, loyal, steadfast, big-hearted and caring guy ready to give them the adventure of a lifetime.

So, after enduring a particularly painful Christmas period, I thought I'd just look to wrap the year up quietly.  Another tough one, another year of trial with a high dose of heartache, and some strides in a few areas.

I then decided to make one final statement.

Over a year ago, I was still too anxiety-ridden to take my shirt off at a beach or pool.  I realized, here in late December of 2015, that I had become confident in myself, no matter what, and I have changed how I view myself in many ways.

So I took a selfie of myself wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt, showing some of my chest and the flatter stomach I've attained.  I posted in on my mainstream social media areas such as Facebook and Instagram.

It was my way of saying I was still standing tall and believe in myself more than ever.  A year ago afraid to take my shirt off at a pool, now posting a pic with exposed chest and stomach right there in public on Facebook.

It was a self-affirmation.  It was a statement of confidence and belief in myself.

I never expected the response, especially from a very, very talented romance and erotica author who has indicated she will use me as a cover model for one of her books.  This meant so very much to me, as a cover for an author is not just personal, but also the representation in marketing their book and selling books.  To hear that an established romance author that I highly respect would like to use me for a cover model meant a ton to me on many levels and was a tremendous validation of the 2 years of very, very hard work that's been involved in reclaiming my physical self.

It was a lightning bolt of positive energy at a time when I've been surrounded by a lot of darkness.  It meant so much that I told her I'd be willing to be clean-shaven and even cut my hair if the look for her book cover required it!

So where do things stand as 2015 comes to a close?

I believe in myself.  I'm a fighter.  I'm still standing.

It brings to mind a song that played over the baseball field loudspeakers when a 12 year old boy took the mound in a championship game as an underdog.  He, and his father, were the only two that truly believed it could be done.  That boy struck out the first three batters he faced and led his team to win a championship.

Now, many years later, that twelve year old boy has become a man and embraced a warrior's path.  He is stepping into 2016 as an underdog once again, against great odds.

Don't underestimate him.

The 2016 version of him, like the recent cover of the song, is full of fire and fury.  I make no predictions about 2016 but I am going to come out swinging and I'm hitting harder than ever these days.

"Risin' up, back on the street

Did my time, took my chances

Went the distance

Now I'm back on my feet

Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast

You trade your passion for glory

Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past

You must fight just to keep them alive"

2014 - A Look Back. Another Year of Trial and Moving Forward

2013 ended in a very difficult place, following the year in which I lost my mother to cancer, bringing several years of losses family-wise to a place where I had an extremely difficult 2013 holiday season where everything was down to just myself and my sister.  The winter last year proved to be a very lonely and difficult one to endure and I found myself struggling to even write.

Nevertheless, as January arrived in 2014 I managed to get myself to a point where I was determined to see that the year of 2014 was an upswing one in nature, after a long period of gray skies that arrived full force in 2006 when my father passed away suddenly.  I desired to get my physical side in good order and to get back out there business-wise, at the very least.  Everything in my outlook and effort was centered on making 2014 a good, uplifting and positive year, on multiple fronts.

A song that represented my fight in 2013 also applied to the early stage of 2014.  I had a lot of fire, in terms of fight in me, toward the new year and Pop Evil's "Trenches" reflects that very well using the image of filling up trenches (the low and difficult parts in life) and standing up.  As the song says:

"I've waited all my life to get out of the trenches

I'm ready to fight for what I believe you can steal from me

I won't take this

Gonna fill these trenches and stand up

Wake up, I won't give up

'Cause here I come, here I come"
-lyrics from Pop Evil's "Trenches"

In the early phase of the year, all of this renewed focus headed toward one of Seventh Star Press' biggest marketing pushes, right around the start of the big spring convention season that for me included stops in places like Chattanooga (ConNooga), MidSouthCon (Memphis), EvilleCon (Evansville), Author's Fair (Madison, Indiana).  With many new releases, online ads, print ads, and conventions, the workload during this time was tremendous.    As if that wasn't enough, we were running our weekly podcast, the Star Chamber Show, and were fully underway with the organization and promotion of Imaginarium in its debut year.  A full convention centered on creative writing. including not just books but also movies, comics, and gaming, Imaginarium promised to be a lot of work.  But the ideas behind it were heartfelt and I wanted to be sure that this convention got established in a way that would allow it to progress into the future.    I was pushing myself extremely hard at this time, including some days where I literally worked all-nighters to make sure things stayed on course.  Print and eBook layouts, tons and tons of messages, blog tours to manage, road trips to execute, it was a maelstrom of activity.    Yet something was missing, and one friend of mine and one character of mine stepped forward to address that.  My friend Susan Roddey realized that underneath all the activity, I still wasn't in a full writing mode.  I had been able to address the final polishing of what would become The Undying Light, but that text had already been largely in place and been through my editor on that project, Amanda DeBord.  As far as new material, I had come to a standstill.  Susan recognized that and how important that part of me is.
Susan was very influential in encouraging me to start pushing ahead creatively with my writing, but most importantly she recognized what was absent and needed, which is the trademark of a true friend who has your best interests at heart.  The character of Rayden Valkyrie called to me at that time in a strong way and I found myself able to return to writing new material.  
I was able to write and complete what eventually developed into Heart of a Lion.   Rayden's fighting spirit and resilient nature really connected with me and my heart poured into this book.  I believe the result is something very special and I think it is poignant that this book also represents my first big step of the new year coming up. 

Finishing the polish of the text and getting in the final art pieces from Matthew Perry for The Undying Light, we were able to move ahead to release this 4th installment of the planned 7-book Rising Dawn Saga by the mid summer.  I feel strongly that this book represented another good step forward as a writer, and with the complexity of working with multiple plot-lines and an ensemble cast, this title offers a lot in the way of character and plot development as well as action.  Each of these books accelerates in pace and this one really moves things forward.  There is a lot of deep meaning to this book as well, in terms of what I feel is important in life, especially in what the title itself references.  This is definitely a book I am very proud of and represents one of the bright spots of 2014.   

My birthday week in July rolled in with the Lexington Joseph-Beth Booksellers event for the launch celebration of The Undying Light.  I was blown away as not only Susan and her husband Bill came into town all the way from South Carolina, but many others made the road trip, including several of my SSP family like Alexandra Christian (with her husband Tally), Crymsyn Hart, Jackie and Dan Gamber, Michael West, Selah Janel, Brick Marlin and even that rebel from Indy, Rodney Carlstrom himself!  It mattered a great deal to me personally to see all of them there and things like that are something you do remember in your heart.  
The turnout that night was great, my best yet for a signing.  I got to see quite a few very special and familiar faces in the audience as well as some brand new fans who had just recently discovered my work.  All of this was simply wonderful and gave me a big boost of encouragement.   

For this presentation, I commemorated everything about getting back to writing and releasing a new book, and coming back from 2013, by writing a special short story, non-genre in nature, that was very inspired by my own life, called "Onward and Upward". I had the story printed and bound in a special book that only 125 copies were produced of for this event (nearly all were distributed that night).   The story itself tied together two life incidents that themed around the image of the "eye of the tiger".    One was from the championship little league game of my youth, in which I had to pitch because the ace pitcher for our team had already had to take the mound in the playoff game to get us to the finals to begin with.  It was a magical day in which I struck out the first three batters to start the game, our team got really fired up, I went on to strike out 12 and we routed our heavily favored opponents.  During warmups, my dad, who was the head coach of our team, the Tigers, had the Survivor song "Eye of the Tiger" played over the loud speakers.  A photo of me was taken after that game, and the look is one of pure happiness by any measure.  That photo was included in the special book given out at the Joseph-Beth Event.

"Risin' up straight to the top

Had the guts, got the glory

Went the distance

Now I'm not gonna stop

Just a man and his will to survive'

It's the eye of the tiger

It's the thrill of the fight

Risin' up to the challenge

Of our rival"
-lyrics from Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger'

Fast forward to the photo shoot session I did for The Undying Light's print and eBook editions.  The angelic Terry Bentley was my photographer and I we did the shoot at her home studio.  During the session she asked me to recall a special moment of my life where I felt happy.  I talked to her about this championship game and the song that was played and everything else about it and she captured that smile in my author photo.  
Lo and behold, Terry had satellite radio on, and while were were talking about all of this I hear the words "eye of the tiger" coming from the speakers.  It was the Katy Perry song "Roar", not a genre I normally listen to but I was spellbound by that moment.  From the eye of the tiger I had as a twelve year old underdog pitcher put into a championship game, to the eye of the tiger I had picking myself back up and doing a large book launch and event after a period of great storm, I saw a resonance between past and present in the playing of that song on the radio.

"I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter

Dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!"
-lyrics from Katy Perry's "Roar"

The song also has a reference to a lion's roar, which has a potent connection to what comes later, but suffice it to say that the whole story involving my telling about my championship game and the "random" playing of a song with an "eye of the tiger" reference struck me really very profoundly to the extent that it served as the basis for the story "Onward and Upward".   

Susan gave my introduction at the event, which went very smoothly. We also gave out a limited print of one of the art pieces done by Matthew Perry from The Undying Light to every attendee. Joseph-Beth hosted an after event party in their Bistro, which included a signature drink called "The Undying Light", which was two parts Wild Turkey and one part butterscotch schnapps and was truly wonderful. The energy that night was so positive and amazing and I didn't stop until quite late that night, hanging out with my hardy friends from the Carolinas along with my sister and a great friend of mine, Phillip Richardson (including a few rounds of that wild card game, Cards Against Humanity!).

After the successful Joseph-Beth event, it really did seem that things were heading in the right direction and that 2014 was going to be that step up from the deep pain of 2013. Imaginarium loomed and there was growing buzz about it, the new book was out, and later in the summer I had something develop that I thought was going to break the sunshine through the clouds. 
Unfortunately, it proved to be one of two back to back storms I endured, the second of which had a tremendous impact on me.

Regarding the first storm, I cannot talk in full detail about it out of respect for those involved, but what seemed like an amazing and wonderful new chapter in my life quickly turned into something of great pressure and stress. A hardship occurred right at the outset of this situation and I stepped up to do everything I could to help, with time, scraping up every bit of money/resources I could (and couldn't afford to do, really).

When I commit to something in my personal life, I don't go halfway and I proved that in spades in this situation. Some friends of mine with very direct knowledge brought me some insights about the situation that allowed me to realize that I really was being taken advantage of. There was a true emergency/hardship element at the outset, but later after that time had passed something else emerged.  It was so difficult to hear when I thought I was finally being given a chance to find happiness again, but I could not deny what my friends told me, at what felt like an "intervention". Though my heart ached a great deal, I had to step away from that situation on my own, but by then I knew those in the situation were going to be okay on their basic needs. I left nobody stranded and there were no fights or anything acrimonious, and I'm proud of the way I stepped up to help. I never apologize for things like that.

As usual, I ended up feeling like the hard luck champion I've always seemed to be.  I was deeply saddened by how things turned out and felt true heartache in the aftermath.

Then, right after this unfortunate period, I thought a real miracle occurred. I find it harder and harder to believe in miracles, but in this case it really felt like an answer to a prayer had transpired. Again, I can't talk in full detail, but I can talk about feelings and representations that will hopefully give some idea of what I went through.

It really felt like a lightning bolt of good fortune, finally cleaving those dark clouds above and driving the demons back. I had anxieties from the outset, as I couldn't fully accept that something this good was happening to me.  It seemed that everything I had hoped for was actually lining up.

Every day during this time, I got up in the morning with more and more vigor.  I could feel myself starting to heal inside. I have some great memories of this time, including a few very special ones that made me feel like a teenager again.  My laughter began to reach my heart, for the first time in a very long while.

So much came together at our Imaginarium weekend. The debut of Imaginarium went very smoothly, and successfully, so much so that many remarked it felt like a long-established event. No first year convention (unless a tremendous anomaly) covers all its costs, and we planned for that, but the programming, vibes, networking, and what grew out of it were all great successes that allowed for us to put year two on the map right away.

The weekend had so many highlights, but for me there were some very personal ones. One of these involved my dear friend Christina, who was rushed in emergency to the hospital in July and had to have her baby extremely early. The baby, a little, beautiful girl named Aliyah, was not due until October. Christina showed so much strength and courage enduring a nightmare in the weeks following the premature birth as Aliyah was in a very delicate and critical situation.
Christina could not even hold Aliyah in the early stages as they had to keep the little one connected to the machines during the fragile period. Christina and Aliyah both are true lionhearts, and that little baby persevered and grew stronger.  As things went, September 19th, the first day of Imaginarium, we received the incredible word that Aliyah was allowed to go home with Christina for the very first time. We assembled a large group of author guests and had a special banner prepared to send Christina and Aliyah a welcome home message. For me, this was a tremendously joyous moment and brought a lot of light to the start of my convention weekend.

My light continued involving the personal situation, in such a way that by the end of the weekend I was in a better state than I had been in a long, long time. The clouds above were truly thinning and the sun was on the verge of busting through and shining down on me. I even made discoveries about major things I wanted out of life that I didn't know were fully there before, coming to realize that I only had anxieties about those things and that I really wanted these dimensions in my world in a big, big way.  After that weekend, I had opened my mind and heart and, as they say, was "all in".

Then came the end of September, and a night that really shattered me inside occurred.  On this night,  I went through a soul-bleeding few moments in which those thinning gray clouds, on the cusp of dissipating to give way to radiant sunlight, were flooded through with the blackest of clouds. 
It is the worst kind of pain and emptiness, one that strikes at your most vulnerable center. The hopes, the dreams, the potential of everything I had started to see, the excitement about the new dimensions and what that meant to me deep in my heart... all of it was ripped, shredded and torn in just moments.

It is so hard to put this kind of thing into words, but there is a song that I feel gives a little insight to what this day and the aftermath felt like, Lacuna Coil's "One Cold Day".  A very, ice cold, very long day.  Tears truly are the words when it is impossible to confess the pain.  As the song states:

" Sometimes the sun shines cold

The road is lonely as I walk alone

In the sky the clouds are racing fast

It's becoming so cold outside

Time has come, time has come

And the clouds gather above me

And the clouds gather above me

As I stand in the rain of this cold day

Tears are the words when I cannot confess the pain

Time will heal

But I don't want to feel

Sometimes it's hard to let go

It's hard to move along the scars of life

Memories are blooming in the gloom

As I'm feeling so cold inside

Time has come, time has come

And the clouds gather above me

And the clouds gather above me

As I stand in the rain of this cold day

Tears are the words when I cannot confess the pain

Time will heal

But I don't want to feel

Cry in the rain

Release the pain

Cry in the rain

Release the pain

So cry now

Cry now and let it go"

-lyrics from Lacuna Coil's "One Cold Day"

The shock of this event gave way to a fall deep down into a very dark place. When I say I looked into the abyss I am not exaggerating.  I really hit the darkest level you can be at.  
What made matters worse is that a couple of individuals I could have talked to and who would have been on me relentlessly to talk to them got hit with horrid storms of their own. The Fall months were a time of tremendous trial for so many I know. It was just a terrible time of trial for many near and dear to me and I could not think of turning to them with my own difficulties.  So as things would go, I largely faced this ordeal by myself on most levels.

Looking back, I find it hard to believe I got through October, as much as I was bleeding in spirit.  I was in no position to suffer the kind of blow I did. It truly overwhelmed me and was more than I could handle. Only when I've lost an immediate family member have I felt a more gut-wrenching level pain. 
The torment of what so easily could have been plagued me constantly, something beautiful, soaring, ever-stronger, ever-better, and all of it just unceremoniously tossed aside into the ash heap. I do understand what could have been very clearly, and it breaks my heart to the core.  Several others beyond myself could have had so much more in their worlds and lives and in my heart this is one of the things that hurt (and continued to hurt) the worst by far.

A place I've dreamed of for long years felt so very close.  So close.  A return to a place I could call home.  The sight of the sun again.  So much ... so close... and the weight of it being taken away so abruptly, and in the manner it happened, was crushing.   Evergrey's "The Grand Collapse" captures the feeling of the shattered hopes and the long fall into darkness, after feeling so close to a world of light.

"We wanted to be caught in dreams that never end 

I told you the place where I feel less insecure 

I wanna never ever feel like I

Came so close, you … I "
-from Evergrey's "The Grand Collapse"

Worse, this started a dynamic I would describe as similar to an avalanche.  Lots of deep wounds from the pain of the last few years and the struggles I've gone through were opened up again in the wake of this experience.  It created a terrible cascade and is something that is hard for people to understand unless you've been through it.   But the things I had thought were coming and opened up my heart to would have healed those deep wounds.  They would have driven the demons away.  They would have brought what I call the real me back all the way.  This I know without any shred of doubt.  Having all that come apart, especially in the shocking way that it did, triggered and dredged up so much from many other storms until it created a Perfect Storm that simply overwhelmed me. My spirit really was shattered. 
I understand this is a hard thing for others to react to, as when someone is going through a crisis like this it is hard to think of what to say or do.  My only hope in all of it was that others would not give up on me, in terms of at least having some confidence that I would somehow find a way through the worst of the storm, as in the past I have proven to be a fighter and not a quitter. 
I found that it was very hard for me to be in group situations.  It sounds counter to logic, but when in a group setting was when I felt most alone.  I tried, and sometimes over this whole course I did partake in a few things, such as when my friends Myra and Ken Daniels of FandomFest fame brought me down for the Fright Night Weekend in early October, where I got to spend a lot of time with my buddies like Jeffrey Reddick, Michael West and many other friends largely of the moviemaking world.  
The group I affectionately call "The Gang", Louisville-based authors Amy McCorkle, Pamela Turner, Missy Goodman, Mysti Parker, Jettie NeCole and her super cool husband Todd, invited me to catch up with them at a Shepherdsville book fair to visit and get dinner, and then later had a Christmas party in early December that my dear friend Robin Blankenship joined us for.  By December, I handled things a little better, but early it was so very hard and tiring to try to be as upbeat as possible in a group situation.  So for the most part, I pulled back and stayed to myself. 

Just to get through the days, I stepped up my martial arts training and conditioning to a really intensive level, I took steps to continue learning to ride my motorcycle and thanks to some wise insight from my good friend Eric, who I call the Wise Man of the Mountains, I picked up my guitars again after many long years of inactivity in that area.

 I knew I would not make it if I didn't hold fast to some things that focused my mind and body, as my spirit remained in that shattered state, as hollow and empty of a feeling as you can get.  All of the above activities require mental focus, regular practice, and also offer their own array of milestones and a course of progress.  All of this is healthy, and while I say it cannot heal the kind of wounds I have, it can help you cope and endure.

I could not see ahead anymore, so things got reduced to a day to day kind of battle. Nothing more, nothing less.  It became a strict discipline mode.  Each and every day I would power through my 75 to 90 minute workout during the day and at night get an a hike of an hour or more.  I would practice the guitar for at least an hour or more each and every day. I even started working on some original music.  I changed my dietary habits, switching to lots of water, Greek yogurt, dry roasted edamame, fruit cups, herbs high in antioxidants, and more.   I had to change my world just to survive, somehow, someway.

Fear Factory nailed this foundation in the song "Powershifter" and delivers it with the kind of fire that represents some of the anger I also dealt with inside; anger I would say is righteous anger toward a world where the losers and the loathsome get multitudes of chances and opportunities for incredible situations that they never appreciate and continue to bring empty roads to.  Believe me, I've seen this awful dynamic over and over through the years. Even if they get doors opened for them time and again, these losers leave nothing but heartache and disappointment in their wake, and often things much worse.

They are what I call the leopards of the world, who never change their spots despite being able to say the right things and turn on the charm to keep getting in doors.  Their ability to continue doing so just astounds me, as I can see them for what they are plain as day.  As for me, I embrace the concept of the lionheart, something which I need to write an essay about soon, as it is a kind of honor code that I go by.  It's a very good thing to embrace in regard to the leopards, as no leopard ever measured up to a lion.

As one who embraces a lionheart path, I had to "powershift" to change my world to be able to live, and to do that, you have to execute.  That means hitting that hard workout on the days you feel tired.  Playing those notes on the days when its not flowing.  Sticking to the path of making better dietary habits when it might be tempting to have something else.  Powershifting.  Execution.  It's why the leopard is no match for the lion ultimately, and never will be.  Maybe some day wisdom will prevail everywhere and these losers will not be let through the door into the lives of those who should have and know so much more in their worlds.

"Changing my world so I can live, 

Execution powershift."
-lyrics from Fear Factory's "Powershifter"

Fighting through something like this, the timing of the holiday season could not have been worse. Already a tough time for me, the holidays only spotlighted the kinds of things causing the most pain inside me. I stayed away from television and movies, I largely kept to my main routine and did not do much in public and this helped to shield me from the billion and a half reminders out there of the things I wanted so badly in my heart. It is a time in which I have a keen sense that I do not have any place I can truly call a home, in the genuine sense of the word.

What makes matters even worse is that the Thanksgiving to Christmas season used to be a time of immense magic and joy for me, my favorite time of the year and one in which I thrived. I am always encouraging people to embrace the magic of this special season and immerse in it and am happy to hear when others have great holidays.

When so many things are hitting you at once, piled on top of each other, you realize that if you can somehow get through it all, you can get through anything.  Though I discovered this song late in the year, it applies very well to this period where I was getting hit from all angles in an interior sense.

"It could be much worse

But the call is close

Tomorrow's my reason for today to let go

If I can get through this

I can get through anything

If I can make it through this

I can get through anything

I promise you"

-from Art of Dying's "Get Through This"

The ordeal of Thanksgiving weekend was softened by my friend Christina, Aliyah's mom, who visited with me three times that weekend with Aliyah.  My fiery friend Amanda, who I've been so proud of on her road to becoming a nurse, accompanied Christina on two of those visits. They brought me holiday baked goodies, and I had a couple of great dinners and visits, all of which really helped keep the worst of it at bay. I had Thanksgiving dinner with my sister at the house of dear family friends, and got through that weekend better than I expected.

My friends Eric and Kylie, who have often sent me words of encouragement, were also in touch quite a bit this weekend.  Kylie sent me a special video that she had previously made that really connected with me as well.  The imagery involves struggle, a long fall, taking a stand, and standing by the side of friends. Friends like Christina, Amanda, Eric and Kylie do truly help you to get by.

"I'll take a stand

Until the end

I'll get by

I'll survive

When the world's crushing down

When I fall and hit the ground

I will turn myself around

Don't you try to stop me"

My character Rayden Valkyrie then stepped forward in a big way again, for the second time in the year, as 2015 neared.  Bonnie Wasson completed the cover artwork for the first Rayden novel, Heart of a Lion, just in time to unveil on Christmas Eve, the 24th.  The cover captures the character of Rayden in a very profound way.  She represents the first big step in 2015, in terms of the book release in January and launch party at Joseph-Beth on February 7th.  The arrival of the artwork right on the cusp of Christmas in some ways felt like Rayden was giving me a "hang in there" kind of message, as much as Bonnie herself was.

Rayden is a character who bears heavy inner burdens and continues to fight forward, the right kind of inspiration for me at this time and also something to look ahead to.  Rayden stood with me in the spring to get me writing again, she stood with me at the heart of this holiday season nightmare to bolster me, and she's at my side as I cross into 2015 toward the first steps of the new year.

Christmas Day turned out to be a very difficult one. My sister had been invited to a co-worker's party and I insisted that she attend so she could have a big holiday dinner with a friend she knew well. On my end, I spent my entire Christmas Day and evening alone, literally, as in not seeing a single person in person all day or night.  I never want to endure a Christmas Day like that again

So here I am on New Year's Eve.  It is a tremendously difficult time and I cannot predict what lies ahead. All I can say is that I'm gearing up to go at 2015 with all I have in me. It is a zero-compromise, zero-sum game kind of approach, from the launch of Heart of a Lion at Joseph-Beth to the next Imaginarium, to new writing projects currently underway, to other potential new projects, perhaps some on the movie side of things, and perhaps others on the music side of things.

I can't even begin to comprehend the notion that I'll ever find what I've longed for.  I know what will give me my wings to fly again and bring the light of the sun back into my eyes.  At this point I just think it is an impossible quest in a world where a diminishing number value the kinds of things I have to offer. Therefore, I enter 2015 without any embrace of hope, which proved so empty to embrace in 2014.  I have turned all my focus and energy to an embrace of willpower and resolve, the essence of the lionheart, and am girding myself to fight forward once again.  You can still fight with fury even if you have tears in your eyes.

 I have not given up. I have not quit. If anything I'm resolved to stand my ground and move ahead. I've faced the deepest darkness, looked into the abyss in a very real sense, and if there's one thing about it, it takes away some fears.

I will continue to train hard.

I will continue to progress on guitar.

I will push myself always to be a better writer.

I will continue to learn the world of motorcycles.

I will put forth my best effort at all my business endeavors, from the press, to other arts projects, to Imaginarium.

I simply have to accept that the gray skies that have been over me so very long may well remain there.  But it doesn't mean I won't keep trying to find a way to see the sun again.  It just means that it might be an impossible task, of the kind that takes forever, dreaming the impossible dream.  It will take a miracle and an angel to heal the kind of wounds I have within now.  That kind of healing would bring me back home in the real sense of the word, and this is the dream I have to hold onto no matter how impossible it might look.

I know it might take forever to find my way to that place I can call home again, as so much involved with that is not up to me.  The part that is up to me is whether I keep moving forward and keep trying. So, if it does take forever, then at the very least I will die trying.  I can have a say in that part of it and that's all anyone can ask me to do, to keep moving forward and trying

"If I could change how this turned out, yeah 
You know that I would 

Sometimes the weight is more than I can hold 

But I rather fail than not know 

If it takes forever I will die trying "
-lyrics from Art of Dying's "Die Trying"

2014 ... May It Be

"May it be an evening star

Shines down upon you

May it be when darkness falls

Your heart will be true

You walk a lonely road

Oh! How far you are from home"

-May It Be, from Enya, Lord of the Rings Soundtrack

A verse in the song "May It Be", performed by Enya in the soundtrack to Fellowship of the Ring, has words that ring so true on many levels concerning the part of the journey I took in 2013, and the place I find myself at even now.

People who know me have asked why I am not a big celebrant of New Years.  It is probably because I don't celebrate the unknown, especially when it comes to the things of this world. Had I celebrated the arrival of 2013, I would have had an even greater burden in my heart today, as this year delivered a tremendous blow to my mind and spirit.

As difficult as it is to say, some things cannot be avoided.  For the first time in my life, I do not have a place I call home.

 A home is not a building, it can only exist in the heart.  Within my heart, I feel very far away from any sense of a home. 

In early June of 2013, one of the two individuals I loved most in this world, and the person who I was with from the very first spark of my existence at conception, passed away after enduring a very heart-wrenching couple of weeks in the hospital. 

The entire experience was a nightmare, from taking my mother in for what we thought was pneumonia, to finding the existence of a fast-moving, aggressive cancer, to the final moment holding her hand.  

I never prayed harder or more intensely for a miracle than I did that final night, without question.  

No miracle came.

The funeral was an experience in pure agony, just as it was when my father passed away. I wanted to give a tribute song for my mother, as I did for my father.  Father Frank Brawner, who buried both of my parents, accommodated me again in this request, being the living saint that he is.  

After considering a few songs, I chose "Into the West" by Annie Lennox for my mother. It was the same song I had played from me in tribute to my father at his funeral. I felt that the same song should be my tribute to them, as it was their deep love for each other that brought me into being. 

The song holds my deepest wish for both of them, especially when it comes to the thoughts of White Shores...

"Lay down your sweet and weary head

Night is falling. You have come to journey's end.

Sleep now. Dream of the ones who came before.

They are calling from across a distant shore.

Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face?

Soon you will see all of your fears will pass away.

Safe in my arms, you're only sleeping."

-from Into the West, by Annie Lennox

I did do one small thing different with my mother's funeral. I had one of my best friends, Matthew Perry, work in a small element from Les Miserables just before the start of Into the West music. 

I share it here along with the full context, as it bears a timeless truth.

"Remember, the truth that once was spoken, to love another person is to see the face of God"

-from the finale of Les Miserables

I dream of the day that Tomorrow Comes.

My mother's passing capped a seven year period of very heavy emotional blows, starting with the death of my father in 2006, and the losses of two sweet four-legged family members that I was very, very close to in between. Grieving more often than not throughout this period, I watched my family whittle away until it is only my sister and myself left.  As the losses of my mother and father left me shredded me on the inside, such that it is hard to imagine much of anything in a positive light.

There are constant reminders of the new reality. For the first time in my entire life I had no Christmas dinner this year. It sounds like a simple thing, but it really drives home the burden that has been placed upon you. I am a person for whom family is everything, so the depth of the pain I go through is very hard to describe.

Imagine that.  A writer at a total and utter loss for words. Yet that is the way that it is. The closest thing I can say is that when those I love pass away, a part of me is torn away, as I am a part of them and they a part of me.  

Will those voids ever get restored?  Only reunion can do that, and  I dream of that happening.

Out of the dense fog of sorrow and heartache in the aftermath of suffering such a hard blow, getting your bearings is a herculean task.  At some point, you still realize you are alive and present in this state of existence, and you have a choice looming before you.

You can take a bow and leave the stage, or you can continue. It really is that stark. The fact that you are reading these words answers which of the two paths I chose to go on.

Even so, there is not much to hold onto. In truth, you feel entirely adrift, even as you grasp at every wisp possible for something, anything to give you some hold to move forward with. You have to face this fight alone, nobody can do it for you. 

If anything, you become adept at hiding much of what you are going through inside. Smiling when your soul is bleeding, looking attentive when your thoughts are far, far away.

The emotions are powerful, ranging from sorrow, to fear, and to anger.  You endure it by yourself.  There is nobody else to turn to most days and nights.  While you stand on your own, you do find some strength in doing so.

"Pull me under, pull me under 

Pull me under I'm not afraid 

All that I feel is honor and spite 

All I can do is set it right"

-from Dream Theater's Pull Me Under, off the album Images and Words

Moving through that heavy fog, I finally, somehow, reached the point where I found a spark inside me: that little edge that spurs me to stand and defy the entire world if need be. 

Angry that I was denied even the chance to show mom what I could become, angry that my sister wasn't able to complete her nursing boards with mom there to see her, which I know mom would be so immensely proud of, angry about the undetected cancer, angry about all the heartache that hit us, I decided that whatever dark force influences the tragic events in our lives wasn't going to get the pleasure of seeing me curl up into a ball and quit.  

My mother would want me to go forward with a vengeance, and that is what I held onto.

It was then that I was able to rouse myself enough to tackle doing the literary segment of Fandom Fest, start writing again, and start executing in full on my many tasks for Seventh Star Press. 

In regard to my writing, it was fortuitous that I had the two short story collections in a later stage of development, as I as able to get a couple of new releases out over the later August/September window. Hellscapes, my first volume of a horror-themed collection, and Chronicles of Ave, which features stories set in the same world as my Fires in Eden series.

I feel strongly that these two collections contain some of my best work yet, and it was good to get something back on the map as the fourth book of the Rising Dawn Saga was going to see a delay as I worked to get back into the kind of mindset that a title from that series requires with all of its levels and themes.

Yet even the two new books carried their own pain with them, as they were the first books of mine that came out without my mom there to receive the very first copy, as I always did in the past with my other releases.

 

"The caravan thunders onward 

To the distant dream of the city 

The caravan carries me onward 

On my way at last 

On my way at last 

I can't stop thinking big 

I can't stop thinking big" 

-from Rush's Caravan, off of Clockwork Angels

  

Getting back around creative people during the fall, and entering a period containing a truly intensive work schedule, as I absorbed my part time broadcast job alongside the more than overtime schedule involving the press, my writing, and my freelance promotional work, I found myself looking to the horizons, considering new projects, and more. 

Writing wise, this took the shape of a new cross-genre series idea and a novella series involving my new character Rayden Valkyrie, who made her debut in Thunder on the Battlefield: Sword (editor James Tuck). In other areas, it manifested in the launch of Imaginarium, a new creative writing convention coming to Louisville in 2014. 

  

While not an enormous event like FandomFest, Imaginarium is a project near and dear to my heart as it is entirely focused upon writing. I truly hope to see a wonderful group of people heading with dreams in a mass caravan to Louisville, people thinking big, and inspired, the way I tend to be when I am most myself. Brought together, this is the kind of gathering out of which great things can happen, and the mere potential of it is exciting to me. 

  

A brand new weekly radio show, The Star Chamber Show, also coalesced and was born.  Involving 4 other wonderful hosts, all individuals I absolutely adore (Michael West, Selah Janel, Susan Roddey, and Alex Brown), the show brings a good energy and is a challenge to my creative side.  It is another new project that offers promise and high potential.

  

Finishing out the Keeneland run (the broadcasting work) from September-November was entirely exhausting. But getting back into that kind of rhythm was helpful in a process of helping me get a little more of a centering, inside. Make no mistake, the burden remained heavy inside, but that not-so-little part of me that is defiant kept telling me that I need to live, and not just go through the motions, in a full, personal sense. "Stand up Wake up I won't give up Cause here I come, here I come" -from Trenches, by Pop Evil, from their Album Onyx.

  

Oddly enough, it was not long after this that I began to turn my heart toward things like letting the me that is inside shine brighter, as well as looking for someone to share the path with. I'm a work in progress at the time of this writing, but I feel that I have already made some great steps in the area of bringing the "real me" out. 

  

It is kind of like the song above encourages. Wake up, stand up, I'm not giving up, and here I come!  You are damn right I am!   The wonderful Rebecca, who has styled my hair for years, had a lot of fun with one recent visit I made there and my sister gave me a great new set of Harley-Davidson boots of a style I'd long-wanted, but those are just some accessories to a more profound change I'm undergoing that is still in motion.  It involves a lot of effort and hard work, that's for sure.  

  

I'll have to leave that shrouded in a bit of mystery, for the time being, but I feel better physically now than I have in a long while. ;) Self-improvement is well-underway.  
"Don't think about all those things you fear
Just be glad to be here."  -FC Kahuna, Hayling

As far as looking for someone to share the path with, I think I'm in the best state of mind and heart that I've ever been for taking the risk of sharing my heart. Hard moments like that suffered this past year have reinforced just how important life and those you love and care for are.  You can never, ever put a price on it.

  

I want to experience the world, but not alone. I seek to share that journey with someone who won't mind my rather unusual combination of rock and roll sensibilities mixed with a heartfelt sense of loyalty, appreciation, and a will to make every effort to forge a strong relationship. Life is too short and far too fragile to pass up a chance at magic, so if it means I have to drive a little farther, or make a few more sacrifices, I most certainly will.  It would be more than worth it.  That I know for sure.  

  

I've suffered some hard losses that have left some big voids inside, but as my mother taught me about the nature of love, your heart grows when someone new enters your world. There is infinite room for loving someone new, without ever diminishing what you have held for the others in your life.

  

Does being open to a new relationship mean you will be vulnerable? Yes. Does it mean you could be hurt? Yes. But the important thing is not to be thinking about all the things you fear, and to be glad to be here in life with a chance at the magic, to get at the meaning of the song above. I know my parents had that magic and maybe.. just maybe, I can find it too with a very special someone. 

  

So 2013 was not a year I would ever wish to celebrate, which is why I will not celebrate 2014 in advance either.  Yet as the year draws to a close, I am moving forward. I have taken concrete steps to get back on the road with my writing, as the 4th Rising Dawn Saga novel is on the horizon, I have launched new projects, such as Imaginarium and The Star Chamber Show, I have taken large steps in personal improvements, and gotten myself into a good frame of mind for more. Who knows what the future may hold?

  

I'm pretty sure the road ahead will be difficult at times, but for a kind of New Year's resolution I will turn back to the song that I began this post with.

  

I am adopting the title as my motto, for continuing on the journey forward into 2014. 

  

 Let's see life, love, and adventure manifest. 

  

2014... May It Be

 
"May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun" -from May It Be, by Enya